My FairyTale

Never before have I felt this way. Every morning I am waking up with the sole wish to see his eyes. Every night I sleep, dreaming of a day that we will fall asleep together. Each moment of each day is brighter and more colorful because I know him. I feel amazed that this wonderful man has stayed with me through everything we have gone through together. I can't believe that he has put forth the effort to learn about who I really am, the part of me that I don't show other people. He has taken the time to get close to me and has become my best friend in the whole world. I can't think of any other person I would want to share something with first. All of my dreams are like a movie that I can't wait to come true. I keep seeing us together through all sorts of things. I dream of the day that I get to tell him that I'm pregnant withour first child. I dream of the day that he kneals in front of me and I accept him as my husband. I love this man more than I have ever loved, or expected to love someone.
I can't wait for all of our dreams to come true.
My love has the most beautiful hazle eyes that I hope our children get.
He is really tall withstrong arms and a gentle heart.
He is the most amazing friend anyone has ever had and I am lucky to call him my best friend and love. He loves me and every day I wonder why. I pray that he continues to love me forever as I will him.

I love you, Thomas David Shawver III.
forever and always.

Just A Little Side-Note of Boredom

So, I'm sitting in my last period class feeling really lazy because I really don't want to do anything. This class is technically an hour the school gave me to work on my 3 online classes. Does that seem fair? One class period for 3 classes? No. But do I do the work anyway? No. So, really it doesn't matter.

My 2 college courses don't start until NEXT wednesday and so I'm still feeling really not-school-ey this week. Next week I feel like I am going to EXPLODE but for now I'm still relaxing.

Not to mention this week has been a really rough week to handle anyway! My younger brother wrecked my truck on Sunday and yesterday we found out that along side a busted headlight and crumpled corner (at which it still drove) the water pump was broken and leaking antifreeze and water all over the road (at which point it quit driving). Therefor, I now am out a vehicle.

That is actually the extent of the trouble I have gone through... though it has been extremely stressful all its own simply because now I have to hop and skip and hitch rides with other people to get around to all the places I wind up at in a day.

Oh my, also our school decided to invite David Gordon back. He is a sex ed speaker! (For anyone in the west Texas area that has had to sit through one of his seminars, I feel your pain.) I don't mind him so much because he is not shy, he is strait forward, and he isn't oblivious to what goes on in today's society. However, I don't agree with his standpoint on some topics. For instance, he likes to tell 'young ladies' that if we have sex before marriage that it is very unlikely that we will ever find a man that loves us for who we are. What kind of message does that send to the girls in his audience that AREN'T virgins!? What goes through their head at that point is probably along the lines of "I'm not lovable anymore." That. That is what I disagree with.

Oh! There is new gossip in town too! There are two new senior girls in my class that started Monday. (Which was the same day as David Gordon, way to scare the new girls, hmm?) One of them is very sweet and not too shy because though she is 17-18 years old, she is hitting on my younger brother! Which I think is cute. Haha. He is only 16 but I suppose it happens! The REAL gossip is with the other new girl (sorry, no names). She moved here from south Texas. She tells us that she got in a fight with her dad and just left. She now lives here with her boyfriend's parents. Now, that seems odd to begin with, right? It gets better. She met her boyfriend online because he added her on myspace. Now they are intent on getting married in October! They actually are engaged! You want to know the worst part? He's an 18 year old registered sex offender in the penitentiary. He is in for child molestation. He was on parole for a year. Then he violated his parole by getting cought forcong another little child to do things again. The first time it was his little niece. The second time it was the son of a woman I work with. Now it's all wrong isn't it? The next worst part and the question you want to know; YES, his girlfriend KNOWS what he did.

On a lighter note: I tried out this week and got a part in our One Act Play. I'm excited, we are doing Steel Magnolias and I am M'Lyn, the mother. I have a very large, very dramatic role this year. Wish me luck! last year I shared the lead with another girl because our characters were best friends and the play was centered around them. This year, I come in second lead behind the same girl! She will be playing Shelby, the daughter. I can't wait to see it all finished.

Anyway, I have now successfully spent my entire class period typing this post and NOT working on my online classes. Tsk Tsk on myself. Oh well, right? Haha, at least I got all my latest gossip out!

A Hard Week

I don't know where to begin on this one. This week has been a week of ups and downs as my boyfriend said last  night. For the both of us, really. We have gone through some really happy moments together and we have recieved some hard news together as well. All of this and we are three and a half hours away from each other.

I don't even know how to say what it is that's bothering me because I have spent eighteen years learning how to sheild myself from other people. I know this blog is to help me let things out but I still have trouble loosening my ties.

First bad news we recieved is that when my boyfriend comes to visit tonight, he will be staying at his aunt's house an hour away rather than with us because my mom is afraid that my younger brother will tell miy dad that she let my boyfriend stay in the house with us. To me, this is rediculous. I don't understand what is wrong with a guy and a girl, no matter their relation, staying in the same house. Staying in the same room is not appropriate (though I would love that) and I can understand a parent's view on that but the same house!? I don't see what's wrong with that.

The second bad news we had to handle was the decision we made together to not move in together when I turn 18. We origionally had planned to get me out of my father's house as soon as I was legally old enough to leave because of the treatment I recieve there. However, many of the people in the town that I live in have it in their heads that the only reason I am moving out is to be with my boyfriend. Because this is the view of most people, my decision has changed. I've lived with the treatment for my whole life, I suppose I ccan stand to wait 5 more months until I graduate. I know it is the more responsible thing to do but I really think that my mental, emotional, and physical health are things I am responsible for as well.

The third news we had to conquere was the possibility that my boyfriend might not get to come see me for the weekend of New Year's and my 18th birthday dinner. He has one last payment to make on a hot check from a few years ago and the gas from our hometown to my mom's house is really expensive. The money he made working hasn't been enough to cover both the payment and the trip. His parents have agreed to help him for now but he has to pay them back. I think that is perfectly understandable.

Next, on the same day that he and his parents got in that argument, he discovered our puppy dying in his back yard. That experience has been traumatizing for the both of us on a deeper level than either of us expected.

After all of our problems got sewed together just enough that we could still look forward to seeing each other tonight, I found out that I might not get to see him fro my New Year's kiss. My family has a tradition of going to see the Dallas Stars New Year's Eve game and we have only ever stayed to watch the fireworks once. However, tonight, my mom might want to stay and if she does, then I won't be able to see my boyfriend.

I know I sound a lot like a whining little kid pining for my boyfriend like this but we have both had a very hard year and it means so much to the both of us to start this new year together. We want to be together the moment the new year begins. This is our chance to make everything better and we don't want to miss the signifigance of that sealing moment. I know that the actual moment the year begins has no effect on how the year plays out but we want to have that memory to cherish together.

Throughout all of this we have had moments where we have been completely happy talking to one another over the phone. Simply enjoying talking to a person that you know so well. We have had fun talking about our little inside jokes.

I have hated this entire week. The worst news I recieved was that my baby little puppy died. I miss my baby Belle so much and I don't even know what to do. I'm so far away. I wasn't there to see her one last time. I wasn't there to pet her and make her comfortable. I just want to see my baby again.

I just want this next year to come out better.

Head Space (Meditation)

I recently (as in about an hour ago) discovered the effects of a successful meditation. I'm not talking about religious meditation or anything spooky with floating candles or deep emotional revelations. Satisfactions reveal themselves in simpler and smaller packages. I had to create a method of meditation suited for me based upon what I have read about other meditators and their experiences.
Stripping my comforter to the back of my bed over my pillows was only the first step. I covered everything with my top sheet creating a grey surface for me to connect to. I had my large bed flat with it's grey sheet and a large inviting mass against the footboard covered in the other grey sheet. Grey is my color because of my natural artistic eye, grey naturally calms me. Grey is the most nuetral I can get next to pure white. However, grey is a smoother color, a little more loving to me, a little less hospital sheet-ish. Music poured from my laptop to my headphones to sooth my racing mind. I chose melodies with gentle percussion and complex and playful lyrics. Strictly instrumental would have left me dead. My legs crossed and my back straitened so that I could feel as whole as possible. I focused my attention on the point of symmetry on my headboard. I slowed my breathing and deepened each breath. I let my eyes focus on the point as my mind concentrated on my breathing until I felt I was completely in control of my body.

I closed my eyes slowly and simultaniously with a smooth intake of breath. I kept my concentration on my breathing, trying to create and maintain a rhythm while I shifted my focus from the point on the bed to the weightlessness of my body. Particularly the points at the balls of my shoulders. I felt my body lose pull and shifted my center of gravity upward. I kept my focus on my wheitlessness until I had lost all feeling of attachment to my body completely. I concentrated on my breathing for a while longer and reveled in my moment of floating unimbodied for just a few seconds before turning my attention elsewhere.

I imagined I was in a space. An empty space, void of anything solid. No walls, no furniture, no anything. My body, the sound of the music with no source, and the nothing was all that I had. Colors changed with the movement of the music. Slowly I shifted my empty space into a personal location. I tried and island at first, with short grass and sandy beaches. Water makes me uncomfortable so I extened the land and let the grass grow tall until I had a field made in various shades of dancing yellows, greens, browns, limes, and greys. I felt the warmth of a fire and looked to see a large sun beaming overhead. My element is earth and I have a warm personality so it only makes sense that my closest second element would be fire. Once I had my location created I just lay in it, memorizing it. I memorized the feel of the sun on my skin, the smell of the grass in my face and against the back of my head as I let it mingle with my hair spread out around me on the ground. I soaked in the every detail of each individual blade of grass tall and slinder and graceful as a trained dancer. I remained in my feild until I felt I was 'done'. I could tell because I was slowly becoming more aware of physical things that were not in my imagination. I finally let go of my image and took one deep breath. I opened my eyes as slow as possible in time with the release of my last breath taken in my field.

My vision was slightly blurry and I felt light and then suddenly everything came into a sharp and harsh focus while the full weight of my body made itself known again. I am back in the real world but I feel calmer and cleaner with the memory of my field.

I'm going to visit my field again tomorrow when I wake up. I feel it will be a great way to start my day.

If anyone has any suggestions to help me meditate more successfully then I am open to change. Just please remember that I am aiming to use meditation as a temporary escape into a clearer part of my mind, not a way to get deeper thoughts on the problems I already have. Deeper thoughts is the problem I am trying to escape with this. Perhaps after I get used to meditaion and the calm I feel then I can use it to help me solve problems in a more rational way or to keep me stable every day. I feel like it's a great way to, for lack of a better way to say it, detox my mind.

Sorrows Barely Wanted

I'm so sorry.

I think I hurt you more than I could comprehend at the time.

I pushed you away. I didn't trust you. I didn't believe you. I chose, I had to choose, but I still don't know if I chose right. I loved you, loved you with my everything. I wanted only you for the rest of my life. I still have nightmares. They are happy dreams; all bright, shining, smiling, laughing; but I wake up scared, alone, afraid, lost. My dreams hold you in my arms, hold our children against me, walk through our home, live in our hopes. I shattered those hopes for both of us. I killed our children. I murdered our lives together. I'm some new kind of monster, a monster that blindly devours wishes and dreams, love and happiness, hopes and prayers.

I'm so very sorry for what I did to you, to me, to us.

I am always second guessing myself, always being reminded of you, always wanting something back, always comparing them to you.

It's not that I don't have anyone else that wants me, it's just that all the ones that want me, only want me. They don't love me, they don't even really like me at all. I can't keep substituting want and desire for love. It only seems to open old wounds, make them sting and burn again.

You are so far the only person that knows everything. You can read me, even things I never told you, you knew. You know my bad habbits and my fears. You know my best spots and my worst. You know my every move and muscle. You know more of my body than either I or my mother or even my doctor knows. You know when I behave what way and you know when to ask me what's wrong.

I don't cry for people often. I didn't even cry a whole lot when my great grandparents died. You probably have the largest tear jar from me. My father makes me cry a lot as well, but not often for him, more for the people he talks about. You have tears of joy, of sorrow, of fear, of angst, of betrayl, of regret. You own the most laughs and smiles as well. Smiles of true happiness, bashfullness, embarassment, memories, understanding, wanting, desire, content, love. Laughs of tickles, funny moments, remarkable recoveries, phrases, movies, touches, unexpected courage. You own more of me than anyone I know, and it's things that I can never get back, no matter how often I push you away or how often I try to deny you now.

I am so sorry for doing this to you. You have to be taking it better than I though, you seem to have a nice life going for you. I believe you aredoing well at trying to move on. If only I could let you go, if only I didn't feel the need to talk to you first, to tell you first, to have you know everything about me. You don't even care when I tell you, I don't know why I hang on so hard, so desperately. You don't want me. You just want me to go away, to leave so you can move on. You want me to leave you alone so I can stop hurting you.

I am a cruel person. I don't want to be cruel.