I don't know what to do anymore, everything comes in on me at such random moments that I feel like I'm being suffocated from the inside out. Everything is starting to get to me at once and I'm not sure I know how to handle it.
I'm always the person to hold things in, work things out, help other people, and jump through the hoops no one else wants to jump through. Today, however, my temper is so short that I can't seem to handle anything that comes my way. I want to strangle people that keep talking over me because I am so tired of letting everyone walk all over me and then have them expect me to do something for them in return. I am so sick and tired of laying over on my back and just letting shit happen. But when I do try to stand up for myself, people get mad at me because they think I am trying to be rude. Everyone expects me to be the nice one that lets them do anything or is always there to help, and I am, but I don't want them taking advantage of it anymore.
I'm so stressed out that I'm not sure how to help myself out of this siuation.
I love my boyfriend, and he s so dear to me, and he is always trying to help. I want to thank him for that because he really is the only person that wants to do anything for ME. I just hope that I can do his efforts justice and stand up for myself in the end.

Just a Little Advice, Perhaps? (College)

I was wondering if anyone would be up to helping me out some? I have been accepted to Baylor in Waco, Texas and I am applying for next semester. I will be a Fine Arts major and I want to base my classes around graphic design and advertising. I really need to get my basics out of the way first. I already have English I, English II, Governement I, and Macroeconomics. I have yet to get enough money together for my $300 deposit that allows me to begin setting everything up but I will have it in a short amount of time (I hope).

I wanted to know if there was anyone out there that knew anything about Baylor? Little inside tips, such as which teacher to take and which to not take. If anyone knows some little tricks about dorms or anything of that sort, that would be great.

Not to mention the fact that I will be paying for college all on my own. My parents have decided not to help me at all (We will not venture into the subject of my parents right now). Therefor, I want to know if anyone out there might have some information on good scholarships, grants, or even what student loans to use. I will also take some of that lovely cash if anyone will be handing it out soon.......
No?
Oh. Well, then be that way.

Anywho... If there is anyone out there that has ANY kind of information, I would take it gratefully. I'm on my own on this one. My parents won't help with money and they are expecting me to take care of everything on my own with college. I don't know how anything works so could some people just let me in on some things perhaps?

Thank you bunches!

Just A Little Side-Note of Boredom

So, I'm sitting in my last period class feeling really lazy because I really don't want to do anything. This class is technically an hour the school gave me to work on my 3 online classes. Does that seem fair? One class period for 3 classes? No. But do I do the work anyway? No. So, really it doesn't matter.

My 2 college courses don't start until NEXT wednesday and so I'm still feeling really not-school-ey this week. Next week I feel like I am going to EXPLODE but for now I'm still relaxing.

Not to mention this week has been a really rough week to handle anyway! My younger brother wrecked my truck on Sunday and yesterday we found out that along side a busted headlight and crumpled corner (at which it still drove) the water pump was broken and leaking antifreeze and water all over the road (at which point it quit driving). Therefor, I now am out a vehicle.

That is actually the extent of the trouble I have gone through... though it has been extremely stressful all its own simply because now I have to hop and skip and hitch rides with other people to get around to all the places I wind up at in a day.

Oh my, also our school decided to invite David Gordon back. He is a sex ed speaker! (For anyone in the west Texas area that has had to sit through one of his seminars, I feel your pain.) I don't mind him so much because he is not shy, he is strait forward, and he isn't oblivious to what goes on in today's society. However, I don't agree with his standpoint on some topics. For instance, he likes to tell 'young ladies' that if we have sex before marriage that it is very unlikely that we will ever find a man that loves us for who we are. What kind of message does that send to the girls in his audience that AREN'T virgins!? What goes through their head at that point is probably along the lines of "I'm not lovable anymore." That. That is what I disagree with.

Oh! There is new gossip in town too! There are two new senior girls in my class that started Monday. (Which was the same day as David Gordon, way to scare the new girls, hmm?) One of them is very sweet and not too shy because though she is 17-18 years old, she is hitting on my younger brother! Which I think is cute. Haha. He is only 16 but I suppose it happens! The REAL gossip is with the other new girl (sorry, no names). She moved here from south Texas. She tells us that she got in a fight with her dad and just left. She now lives here with her boyfriend's parents. Now, that seems odd to begin with, right? It gets better. She met her boyfriend online because he added her on myspace. Now they are intent on getting married in October! They actually are engaged! You want to know the worst part? He's an 18 year old registered sex offender in the penitentiary. He is in for child molestation. He was on parole for a year. Then he violated his parole by getting cought forcong another little child to do things again. The first time it was his little niece. The second time it was the son of a woman I work with. Now it's all wrong isn't it? The next worst part and the question you want to know; YES, his girlfriend KNOWS what he did.

On a lighter note: I tried out this week and got a part in our One Act Play. I'm excited, we are doing Steel Magnolias and I am M'Lyn, the mother. I have a very large, very dramatic role this year. Wish me luck! last year I shared the lead with another girl because our characters were best friends and the play was centered around them. This year, I come in second lead behind the same girl! She will be playing Shelby, the daughter. I can't wait to see it all finished.

Anyway, I have now successfully spent my entire class period typing this post and NOT working on my online classes. Tsk Tsk on myself. Oh well, right? Haha, at least I got all my latest gossip out!

Almost-Worst Nightmare

Dreams freak me out. I hate/love the way anything happens but it all seems so right, like that's the way it's always been. This particular dream, though, caught my worst fear in it's most realistic moments and I almost cried in fear. The only thing that kept me sane was that it was only a dream...

I could see the bright, airy light streaming through my window but I couldn't see any shadows. The sun's light seemed to be emminating from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was bright and cheery and I settled into it's comfort. I was laying in my bed, propped on some pillows, facing my open door when I heard a voice down the hall say "She's in there."
I saw a shape come around the corner with his head bowed. John* walked shyly into the room and paused halfway to my bedside.
"I'm sorry for what I said about you before. I didn't realize that you, or he, would take it so personally."

My dream seemed to continue but pause. You know how dreams are, time bends. I remembered distinctly something that really did happen the day before, I had found out that John had said some crude and vulgar jokes about me, regarding my passing out at the doctor's office, to my boyfriend earlier that day. It had hit me hard and I had become angry with him. The next time he tried to talk to me, I promptly ordered him to 'fuck off'. He told me that he thought the joke was funny and that if I didn't then it was my problem. I said I took it offensively and did NOT like it at all. I hadn't talked to him since then.

I heard my voice around me but I couldn't feel my lips move, nor had I told them to. However, the voice carried on, "It's ok, I forgive you." And with that I saw my arms rise offering him a hugging embrace. I never told my arms to move! I'm still mad at him! Why is my dream-self forgiving him? Never the less he shuffled forward and layed his head on me in the most pathetic hug. He practically curled up on me right there! My right arm was holding him and I had completely disregarded my left to the point that I can't remember what happened to it.
My dream took a sharp turn when John started kissing my arm pathetically. In the real world this, for one, would never have happened, and for two, would have freaked me out on a very deep level. However, in dream world, my dream-self disregarded it and simply sotthed him away from it like a sobbing clid trying to whipe his nose on his shirt. I shooed his face away with gentle authority. Next thing I know he is turning his face up and starring at my breasts. He turned his face into my stomach again and whippered a muffled "I love you." This did freak me out in my dream and I gently pushed him up and away saying that I forgave him but that he really needed to go. He tried to protest with small, sobby words and pleaded with his eyes but I told him I was done. He shuffled out of my room, again looking torn, pathetic, and grief-ridden.
The way he left had my dream-self in such a tift that I decided I would get dressed and go outside where I just knew (for some odd dream-reality reason) there were a lot of people basking in the eminating light.

Just as I was clumsily slipping my jeans on, (geeze,even in my dreams I'm clumsy!) I heard three voices in the hall. I recognized one as a sniffling John, the other two I couldn't quite place. One of them was familiar and the other I was sure I didn't know. John huffed and quietly said, "I just love her so much." The other two voices conversed and exchanged words that I caught very few of, 'hold', 'quiet', and 'we know' were all that I could decifer from their mumbles. I had no idea what they meant but they scared me and made me move faster to get dressed.

I was buttoning my jeans when out of the corner of my eye I saw their shadows come into view of my doorway. I stood to face them, ready for anything. I saw John's eyes first. They were tear stained with heart break and anger fueling his manic look. His expression changed to panic and his eyes flashed from me to my bed and back. Though he had tears coming out of his eyes, his voice clearly ordered,"Get her!"

I knew then what they were going to do and I was NOT going to stand by and let my worst fear happen to me. I ran past them and dodged their arms as I reached the end of the hall. I took a turn and went to the back door. The layout of the house was familiar. I remember now that it was my mom's house, but when I looked outside it was my father's family and friends that I saw. Never the less, in dream world, anything happens. My heart was punding when I stepped outside, searching frantically for safety. I saw my dad and step mom sitting on a round pallet of concrete. There was a long, narrow sidewalk looking path leading from the back door over to them in a winding patturn. I started to walk down it towards my dad. I felt the tears whell up in my eyes as I whispered "Daddy".

I just want to inform everyone that my dad and I don't have the best relationship and we have a lot of trust issues. He is never the person I go to talk to when I have a problemand even my dream-self felt this. The entire time I was walking down that path I was debating on whether I should tell him or not. I never come to my dad crying and I most definately never whisper to him like that. The last time I was crying and pleaded to him like this, he rejected me saying that I had messed up too bad. This was what I was fearing when I went to him in my dream.

I dropped to my knees in front of him and though he scoffed, thinking I was about to tell him something I had done that would get me in trouble, I leaned forward anyway and put my arms aound his shoulders. I was crying so hard that I could barely talk. Slowly though, I managed to choke it out of myself. "I was-I wa-They-I-They-They nearly-I-rape-They-They nearly raped me."

The words came out and I felt him stiffen. I started crying again and I lost track of everything. Next thing I know, I look up and I am in my boyfriend's lap. I asked, "How did I get in your lap?" in a whisper but he only 'shhhh'ed me and told me it would all be ok. I saw my dad standing next to us. He was asking questions to someone but I couldn't hear them and I didn't know the other person.

I turned my face back to my boyfriend and the tears whelled up agian. I hid my sobbing eyes in his shoulder and stayed there for an eternity.

I woke up.

I was still in my own bed. Time was real. The dream never happened. I sighed a breath of relief and closed my eyes again.

Oh Me! Oh My!

Today I went to the doctor (the reasoning of which I am not comfortable discussing to any person) and in the end I had some blood work done.

I am afraid of needles you idiot nurse!

I can't look at a needle or watch it go in or I will freak out, however, once I feel the pinch, I'm fine because it's the puncture that bothers me, not the needle itself.

Finally I managed to calm myself in my hard, plastic, grey chair and concentrate on the the stupid little sign beside me. I felt her cold fingers through her latex gloves and then the little pinch of the needle entering my tissue. Whew. The worst was over. Thirty seconds later and her voice chirped about like a bird's exclaiming that I was all done. I got up seeing a few spots but when about gathering my gloves and jacket.

I left the room and when back to the main waiting room where my mom was getting ready to pay out. I plopped myself into a seat fealing a little woozy and unstable. When I got up to leave my vision swam with blackness, I managed to get out the door and that is where my knees were too weak to hold me up anymore. I sat down right there on the floor. My mom asked me if I was alright or if I needed to go lay down. I started to protest when my vision began to swim again and I opted to go lay down in one of the exam rooms. My mom helped me through the doors of the waiting room again and sat me in a chair to fetch a nurse to help me and to find an empty exam room.

She returned and told me to go with her. I was still feeling resiliant so I stubbornly stood up as quickly as my blood would let me and walked forward, determined to make it through the waiting room without drawing too much attention to myself. My memory was getting fuzzy and I was walking in a haze but I made it through the doors alright. Once through the doors I started to feel myself fall. My mom, who was already on my side, moved to catch me from the front where the nurse helped put my arms over her shoulder. My memory here is very slight and I only remember the smallest details. My boots were making the most unbearable sound as the were drug, toes down, across to short-ply, doctor's-office, horribly patturned carpet. My mom was explaing to the nurses that she was accustomed to dealing with these kind of moments, only she was used to animals due to the fact that she works as a nurse at a veterinary clinic. The next thing I know, everything is black and I feel like I'm sleeping.

You know, the feeling you get when you are barely on the edge of consiousness? Your brain is starting to fuctions one cell at a time but you can still feel that your body is shut down. You feel heavy as a lead weight and fluid. Everything is fuzzy and you can't tell if it's a dream, a memory, or something happening around you.

I heard voices around me and felt hands on my arms but at the same time I didn't. They were there but they weren't there. Just like dreams. The moment you try to catch one, it disappears. I heard a voice that sounded like it was trying to be loud but was too far away to make any difference.

Like a person trying to yell ferociously from a hill away. By the time it reaches you it sounds level pitched.

The voice was saying, "Can you hear me? Can she hear me?"

Thats when the cold burnign sensation started. I felt it in my whole head first, then just my face, and finally just my nose as it faded. Sluggish words came bubbling out of my mouth. None of them were too kind, either.

I heard myself gurgle something about "What the hell did you put in my nose?" and "Fucking hot shit in my face burning!" and "Why the hell are you all yelling at me?"

I felt hands putting towels under me and I started to feel really cold on the backs of my thighs. They laid a wet rag over my chest and forhead and over my arms.

The nurses told me to open my eyes and try to keep them open. Couldn't they see I just wanted to sleep!? I tried to do what they said though. My arms were so hot and my hands were vibrating with numbness. My limbs were heavy and my stomach felt uneasy.

A straw was stuck near my face and I was instructed to 'drink' immediately. I felt the fruitpunch flavored juice enter my mouth, slide over my tongue, down my throught, and settle in my stomach rather cooly.

After the nurses were convienced that I was ok, they left the room one at a time. My mom sat in the corner beside my exam table I had somehow gotten on looking at me with curious eyes. I choked out a "What did ya'll do, stick wet towels under my butt?" Meaning it as a joke. However, she just shook her head and watched as my eyes got big when I realized what had happened. I mouthed to her, unable to say it out loud out of sheer embarassment, "Did I pee on myself?" She nodded sadly and said, "We are only 20 minutes from the house, do you mind waiting here while I go get you a change of pants?"

Well DUH mom! Go get the pants!

I said, "Sure, go ahead, I'll just take a nap. By the way, what happened?"

"While you were out, the nursees took your blood pressure and it was at 89/56. Your blood pressure plummeted after only 3 or 4 minutes of getting your blood drawn. Our best guess is that you are so small that your body reacted to the blood loss violently and rapidly."

I laid there on that table for about an hour waiting for my pants and thinking about everythign that happend. So that is what it feels like to pass out? Interesting.



So, in other words: Today I got my blood drawn for the first time, and due to my small size, my body didn't like it much and I also passed out for the first time in my life. I think it was quite the experience.

Classroom Samba

Wake up! It's time for your day to begin and everything is crashing onto your head from the sky. My life is in it's fast forward moment and everything is pushing to be in the front of my attention. I am losing my mind and I don't know how to control everthing I am doing. Yet somehow, in the middle of me not knowing how to control it and worrying about everything falling apart, I find that I have somehow managed to make it through this far at least.

I feel that I am a very mature and very adult teenager with more work than I should have to worry about, yet I am still so young and immature. I am locked in a strange place where nothing fits. I am living a college girl's life in highschool. Though I should only expect as much, I have always been about a year or two ahead of everyone in my generation.

I hate that I am always worrying about everthing I have to do. Right now I really don't have too much going on, but it is the thought of everything that worries me most. I have a habbit of piling everything together into one bundle so that I feel more busy than I really am. As though I am torturing myself with scheduals.

The prospect of the next year frightens me and I keep going over it in my head:

Keeping a job with limited time and lack of sleep while attending duel credit college courses during other classes that are going to be difficult. Trying to get into college by piling every possible thing on top of my already obese schedual so that I might seem more appealing. Head of the Annual Staff and running for Class President for second year. The need to build my portfolio so that when I do find a school to go to, I will have something to show of myself. Trying to keep a healthy relationship with my family while also going against their wishes in where I choose to attend college. Keeping up my title as Miss Throckorton and always looking like I just walked out of a fashion-boutique/salon/spa. Not to mention the addition of UIL and other extra activities. Though, I am smart enough to realize that I do not have enough time to participate in any sports. Not only do I have to keep my grades in tip top shape, but I also have to keep enough hours at my low-in job to pay for my truck and my food and my college courses.

When I look at all of this at once and then add all the little stuff in between, I start to freak out and think that I don't have enough hours in a day to keep everything in line.

I need a planner.

Though I feel pressured, I cannot wait for school to start because for some strange reason, i enjoy the pressure of trying to make sure everything runs smoothly. Being the top student in the school and a senior with high priorities, I have to make everything I do look as effortlessly as slurping jello.