Finale

Goodnight at the end  of an over-all great day!

The New Morning

Happy  New Year everybody!

My New Year's Eve started with a trip to the American Airlines Center to watch the Big D NYE Dallas Stars hockey game.We won, of course. The game was close for the first period but by the second and third we were  kicking some major Duck ass! The final score was 5:3 and the stadium was in an amazing uproar of total satisfaction.

After the game ended, we chose not to stay for the live performance because of the cold, wet weather. However, we went strait to our house where....

My boyfriend was sitting outside!

Woot!

We all went inside the house together and relaxed in the warmth. We watched my younger brother play Oblivion and waited for the final countdown of the year. Only 2 minutes before the New Year, we switched the TV onto the Dallas after game party.

We watched the final countdown, had our New Year's kisses (except my brother, I think I caught him making googley eyes at the dog out of the corner of my vision though) (haha) and then we settled back to watch the fireworks.


At my mom's house, since we can't be here for Christmas every year, we celebrate Christmas Eve on New Year's Eve and Christmas Day on New Year's Day. Therefor, this morning when I woke up, we made our way into the livingroom where my step dad was cooking breakfast for us all. My Grandma came over and we all ate together. Next, we all sat down to open presents together. About an hour later, my boyfriend showed back up and got to meet my grandma.

Now we are all sitting together, waiting on our friends Jim&Steve (We always say their names as one person, and I am not sure why...) so we can all eat lunch together.


Have a wonderful 2010 everyone!

A Hard Week

I don't know where to begin on this one. This week has been a week of ups and downs as my boyfriend said last  night. For the both of us, really. We have gone through some really happy moments together and we have recieved some hard news together as well. All of this and we are three and a half hours away from each other.

I don't even know how to say what it is that's bothering me because I have spent eighteen years learning how to sheild myself from other people. I know this blog is to help me let things out but I still have trouble loosening my ties.

First bad news we recieved is that when my boyfriend comes to visit tonight, he will be staying at his aunt's house an hour away rather than with us because my mom is afraid that my younger brother will tell miy dad that she let my boyfriend stay in the house with us. To me, this is rediculous. I don't understand what is wrong with a guy and a girl, no matter their relation, staying in the same house. Staying in the same room is not appropriate (though I would love that) and I can understand a parent's view on that but the same house!? I don't see what's wrong with that.

The second bad news we had to handle was the decision we made together to not move in together when I turn 18. We origionally had planned to get me out of my father's house as soon as I was legally old enough to leave because of the treatment I recieve there. However, many of the people in the town that I live in have it in their heads that the only reason I am moving out is to be with my boyfriend. Because this is the view of most people, my decision has changed. I've lived with the treatment for my whole life, I suppose I ccan stand to wait 5 more months until I graduate. I know it is the more responsible thing to do but I really think that my mental, emotional, and physical health are things I am responsible for as well.

The third news we had to conquere was the possibility that my boyfriend might not get to come see me for the weekend of New Year's and my 18th birthday dinner. He has one last payment to make on a hot check from a few years ago and the gas from our hometown to my mom's house is really expensive. The money he made working hasn't been enough to cover both the payment and the trip. His parents have agreed to help him for now but he has to pay them back. I think that is perfectly understandable.

Next, on the same day that he and his parents got in that argument, he discovered our puppy dying in his back yard. That experience has been traumatizing for the both of us on a deeper level than either of us expected.

After all of our problems got sewed together just enough that we could still look forward to seeing each other tonight, I found out that I might not get to see him fro my New Year's kiss. My family has a tradition of going to see the Dallas Stars New Year's Eve game and we have only ever stayed to watch the fireworks once. However, tonight, my mom might want to stay and if she does, then I won't be able to see my boyfriend.

I know I sound a lot like a whining little kid pining for my boyfriend like this but we have both had a very hard year and it means so much to the both of us to start this new year together. We want to be together the moment the new year begins. This is our chance to make everything better and we don't want to miss the signifigance of that sealing moment. I know that the actual moment the year begins has no effect on how the year plays out but we want to have that memory to cherish together.

Throughout all of this we have had moments where we have been completely happy talking to one another over the phone. Simply enjoying talking to a person that you know so well. We have had fun talking about our little inside jokes.

I have hated this entire week. The worst news I recieved was that my baby little puppy died. I miss my baby Belle so much and I don't even know what to do. I'm so far away. I wasn't there to see her one last time. I wasn't there to pet her and make her comfortable. I just want to see my baby again.

I just want this next year to come out better.

About Belle

My boyfriend and I have a puppy. Her name is Belle and she is a pit bull. She is black and white and has the most relaxed temperment of any dog I have ever met. She is the sweetest dog I know and wants nothing more than to be played with and then held and petted. When I pick her up shesimply flops into my arms. She was getting so big the last time I did it that I showed dificulty in supporting all of her at once. We love our Belle. She is the first thing we have together, as a couple, that we share. She is our baby and we have spoiled her to no end.

Belle died today.

It took 3 hours. Only three little hours. That's only 180 minutes.

I am three and a half hours away from her and my boyfriend right now. Igot a text while I was in a movie theater. When the movie ended, I got out and read this message:

Baby belle is dying and i dont know wat to do shes stiff and her gums are white and her eyes are glazed over

I am three and a half hours away from her. I can't do anything. I immediately called my boyfriend to ask how she was. He told me that she was dead. They had buried her. He still had her collar in his hands.

I remembered all the dreams I had with her in them. All the happy things I wanted to happen. She was our first puppy and I was going to raise her with him. We would still have her when we moved in together. She would live with both of us instead of only at his house. We were going to spoil her. We wanted to make her our life. I thought of all those images; laying on the couch against him, petting her. Feeding her in the mornings and at night. Letting her sleep on the bed with us. Going to play with her outside.

Now all of these dreams are shattered.

I regret not playing with her enough. I regret not spending more time with her outside.

She was only a puppy. We don't know what happened to her. Only that it took 3 hours. Three hours between my boyfriend's sister playing with her, and him going outside to play with her, searching for her frantically, and finding her curled in the corner of the fenced yard seconds from death. I just want her back now.

Almost-Worst Nightmare

Dreams freak me out. I hate/love the way anything happens but it all seems so right, like that's the way it's always been. This particular dream, though, caught my worst fear in it's most realistic moments and I almost cried in fear. The only thing that kept me sane was that it was only a dream...

I could see the bright, airy light streaming through my window but I couldn't see any shadows. The sun's light seemed to be emminating from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was bright and cheery and I settled into it's comfort. I was laying in my bed, propped on some pillows, facing my open door when I heard a voice down the hall say "She's in there."
I saw a shape come around the corner with his head bowed. John* walked shyly into the room and paused halfway to my bedside.
"I'm sorry for what I said about you before. I didn't realize that you, or he, would take it so personally."

My dream seemed to continue but pause. You know how dreams are, time bends. I remembered distinctly something that really did happen the day before, I had found out that John had said some crude and vulgar jokes about me, regarding my passing out at the doctor's office, to my boyfriend earlier that day. It had hit me hard and I had become angry with him. The next time he tried to talk to me, I promptly ordered him to 'fuck off'. He told me that he thought the joke was funny and that if I didn't then it was my problem. I said I took it offensively and did NOT like it at all. I hadn't talked to him since then.

I heard my voice around me but I couldn't feel my lips move, nor had I told them to. However, the voice carried on, "It's ok, I forgive you." And with that I saw my arms rise offering him a hugging embrace. I never told my arms to move! I'm still mad at him! Why is my dream-self forgiving him? Never the less he shuffled forward and layed his head on me in the most pathetic hug. He practically curled up on me right there! My right arm was holding him and I had completely disregarded my left to the point that I can't remember what happened to it.
My dream took a sharp turn when John started kissing my arm pathetically. In the real world this, for one, would never have happened, and for two, would have freaked me out on a very deep level. However, in dream world, my dream-self disregarded it and simply sotthed him away from it like a sobbing clid trying to whipe his nose on his shirt. I shooed his face away with gentle authority. Next thing I know he is turning his face up and starring at my breasts. He turned his face into my stomach again and whippered a muffled "I love you." This did freak me out in my dream and I gently pushed him up and away saying that I forgave him but that he really needed to go. He tried to protest with small, sobby words and pleaded with his eyes but I told him I was done. He shuffled out of my room, again looking torn, pathetic, and grief-ridden.
The way he left had my dream-self in such a tift that I decided I would get dressed and go outside where I just knew (for some odd dream-reality reason) there were a lot of people basking in the eminating light.

Just as I was clumsily slipping my jeans on, (geeze,even in my dreams I'm clumsy!) I heard three voices in the hall. I recognized one as a sniffling John, the other two I couldn't quite place. One of them was familiar and the other I was sure I didn't know. John huffed and quietly said, "I just love her so much." The other two voices conversed and exchanged words that I caught very few of, 'hold', 'quiet', and 'we know' were all that I could decifer from their mumbles. I had no idea what they meant but they scared me and made me move faster to get dressed.

I was buttoning my jeans when out of the corner of my eye I saw their shadows come into view of my doorway. I stood to face them, ready for anything. I saw John's eyes first. They were tear stained with heart break and anger fueling his manic look. His expression changed to panic and his eyes flashed from me to my bed and back. Though he had tears coming out of his eyes, his voice clearly ordered,"Get her!"

I knew then what they were going to do and I was NOT going to stand by and let my worst fear happen to me. I ran past them and dodged their arms as I reached the end of the hall. I took a turn and went to the back door. The layout of the house was familiar. I remember now that it was my mom's house, but when I looked outside it was my father's family and friends that I saw. Never the less, in dream world, anything happens. My heart was punding when I stepped outside, searching frantically for safety. I saw my dad and step mom sitting on a round pallet of concrete. There was a long, narrow sidewalk looking path leading from the back door over to them in a winding patturn. I started to walk down it towards my dad. I felt the tears whell up in my eyes as I whispered "Daddy".

I just want to inform everyone that my dad and I don't have the best relationship and we have a lot of trust issues. He is never the person I go to talk to when I have a problemand even my dream-self felt this. The entire time I was walking down that path I was debating on whether I should tell him or not. I never come to my dad crying and I most definately never whisper to him like that. The last time I was crying and pleaded to him like this, he rejected me saying that I had messed up too bad. This was what I was fearing when I went to him in my dream.

I dropped to my knees in front of him and though he scoffed, thinking I was about to tell him something I had done that would get me in trouble, I leaned forward anyway and put my arms aound his shoulders. I was crying so hard that I could barely talk. Slowly though, I managed to choke it out of myself. "I was-I wa-They-I-They-They nearly-I-rape-They-They nearly raped me."

The words came out and I felt him stiffen. I started crying again and I lost track of everything. Next thing I know, I look up and I am in my boyfriend's lap. I asked, "How did I get in your lap?" in a whisper but he only 'shhhh'ed me and told me it would all be ok. I saw my dad standing next to us. He was asking questions to someone but I couldn't hear them and I didn't know the other person.

I turned my face back to my boyfriend and the tears whelled up agian. I hid my sobbing eyes in his shoulder and stayed there for an eternity.

I woke up.

I was still in my own bed. Time was real. The dream never happened. I sighed a breath of relief and closed my eyes again.

Oh Me! Oh My!

Today I went to the doctor (the reasoning of which I am not comfortable discussing to any person) and in the end I had some blood work done.

I am afraid of needles you idiot nurse!

I can't look at a needle or watch it go in or I will freak out, however, once I feel the pinch, I'm fine because it's the puncture that bothers me, not the needle itself.

Finally I managed to calm myself in my hard, plastic, grey chair and concentrate on the the stupid little sign beside me. I felt her cold fingers through her latex gloves and then the little pinch of the needle entering my tissue. Whew. The worst was over. Thirty seconds later and her voice chirped about like a bird's exclaiming that I was all done. I got up seeing a few spots but when about gathering my gloves and jacket.

I left the room and when back to the main waiting room where my mom was getting ready to pay out. I plopped myself into a seat fealing a little woozy and unstable. When I got up to leave my vision swam with blackness, I managed to get out the door and that is where my knees were too weak to hold me up anymore. I sat down right there on the floor. My mom asked me if I was alright or if I needed to go lay down. I started to protest when my vision began to swim again and I opted to go lay down in one of the exam rooms. My mom helped me through the doors of the waiting room again and sat me in a chair to fetch a nurse to help me and to find an empty exam room.

She returned and told me to go with her. I was still feeling resiliant so I stubbornly stood up as quickly as my blood would let me and walked forward, determined to make it through the waiting room without drawing too much attention to myself. My memory was getting fuzzy and I was walking in a haze but I made it through the doors alright. Once through the doors I started to feel myself fall. My mom, who was already on my side, moved to catch me from the front where the nurse helped put my arms over her shoulder. My memory here is very slight and I only remember the smallest details. My boots were making the most unbearable sound as the were drug, toes down, across to short-ply, doctor's-office, horribly patturned carpet. My mom was explaing to the nurses that she was accustomed to dealing with these kind of moments, only she was used to animals due to the fact that she works as a nurse at a veterinary clinic. The next thing I know, everything is black and I feel like I'm sleeping.

You know, the feeling you get when you are barely on the edge of consiousness? Your brain is starting to fuctions one cell at a time but you can still feel that your body is shut down. You feel heavy as a lead weight and fluid. Everything is fuzzy and you can't tell if it's a dream, a memory, or something happening around you.

I heard voices around me and felt hands on my arms but at the same time I didn't. They were there but they weren't there. Just like dreams. The moment you try to catch one, it disappears. I heard a voice that sounded like it was trying to be loud but was too far away to make any difference.

Like a person trying to yell ferociously from a hill away. By the time it reaches you it sounds level pitched.

The voice was saying, "Can you hear me? Can she hear me?"

Thats when the cold burnign sensation started. I felt it in my whole head first, then just my face, and finally just my nose as it faded. Sluggish words came bubbling out of my mouth. None of them were too kind, either.

I heard myself gurgle something about "What the hell did you put in my nose?" and "Fucking hot shit in my face burning!" and "Why the hell are you all yelling at me?"

I felt hands putting towels under me and I started to feel really cold on the backs of my thighs. They laid a wet rag over my chest and forhead and over my arms.

The nurses told me to open my eyes and try to keep them open. Couldn't they see I just wanted to sleep!? I tried to do what they said though. My arms were so hot and my hands were vibrating with numbness. My limbs were heavy and my stomach felt uneasy.

A straw was stuck near my face and I was instructed to 'drink' immediately. I felt the fruitpunch flavored juice enter my mouth, slide over my tongue, down my throught, and settle in my stomach rather cooly.

After the nurses were convienced that I was ok, they left the room one at a time. My mom sat in the corner beside my exam table I had somehow gotten on looking at me with curious eyes. I choked out a "What did ya'll do, stick wet towels under my butt?" Meaning it as a joke. However, she just shook her head and watched as my eyes got big when I realized what had happened. I mouthed to her, unable to say it out loud out of sheer embarassment, "Did I pee on myself?" She nodded sadly and said, "We are only 20 minutes from the house, do you mind waiting here while I go get you a change of pants?"

Well DUH mom! Go get the pants!

I said, "Sure, go ahead, I'll just take a nap. By the way, what happened?"

"While you were out, the nursees took your blood pressure and it was at 89/56. Your blood pressure plummeted after only 3 or 4 minutes of getting your blood drawn. Our best guess is that you are so small that your body reacted to the blood loss violently and rapidly."

I laid there on that table for about an hour waiting for my pants and thinking about everythign that happend. So that is what it feels like to pass out? Interesting.



So, in other words: Today I got my blood drawn for the first time, and due to my small size, my body didn't like it much and I also passed out for the first time in my life. I think it was quite the experience.

No Need To Say Goodbye

It's been so long since I've posted that I'm not sure where to begin.

I'll start simple, with a quote from a text I recieved from my boyfriend:

"I will love you forever; we will be sitting on the edge of a cloud watching the sun rise the day after eternity"

My life is changing right now, and changing fast. Things are whirring around me and all I want is to slow down. Alas, life continues on and one day Ii can only hope I learn how to catch up. Until then, enjoy my little muses! Perhaps I will try to keep up with this again......