Never before have I felt this way. Every morning I am waking up with the sole wish to see his eyes. Every night I sleep, dreaming of a day that we will fall asleep together. Each moment of each day is brighter and more colorful because I know him. I feel amazed that this wonderful man has stayed with me through everything we have gone through together. I can't believe that he has put forth the effort to learn about who I really am, the part of me that I don't show other people. He has taken the time to get close to me and has become my best friend in the whole world. I can't think of any other person I would want to share something with first. All of my dreams are like a movie that I can't wait to come true. I keep seeing us together through all sorts of things. I dream of the day that I get to tell him that I'm pregnant withour first child. I dream of the day that he kneals in front of me and I accept him as my husband. I love this man more than I have ever loved, or expected to love someone.
I can't wait for all of our dreams to come true.
My love has the most beautiful hazle eyes that I hope our children get.
He is really tall withstrong arms and a gentle heart.
He is the most amazing friend anyone has ever had and I am lucky to call him my best friend and love. He loves me and every day I wonder why. I pray that he continues to love me forever as I will him.
I love you, Thomas David Shawver III.
forever and always.
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A Hard Week
I don't know where to begin on this one. This week has been a week of ups and downs as my boyfriend said last night. For the both of us, really. We have gone through some really happy moments together and we have recieved some hard news together as well. All of this and we are three and a half hours away from each other.
I don't even know how to say what it is that's bothering me because I have spent eighteen years learning how to sheild myself from other people. I know this blog is to help me let things out but I still have trouble loosening my ties.
First bad news we recieved is that when my boyfriend comes to visit tonight, he will be staying at his aunt's house an hour away rather than with us because my mom is afraid that my younger brother will tell miy dad that she let my boyfriend stay in the house with us. To me, this is rediculous. I don't understand what is wrong with a guy and a girl, no matter their relation, staying in the same house. Staying in the same room is not appropriate (though I would love that) and I can understand a parent's view on that but the same house!? I don't see what's wrong with that.
The second bad news we had to handle was the decision we made together to not move in together when I turn 18. We origionally had planned to get me out of my father's house as soon as I was legally old enough to leave because of the treatment I recieve there. However, many of the people in the town that I live in have it in their heads that the only reason I am moving out is to be with my boyfriend. Because this is the view of most people, my decision has changed. I've lived with the treatment for my whole life, I suppose I ccan stand to wait 5 more months until I graduate. I know it is the more responsible thing to do but I really think that my mental, emotional, and physical health are things I am responsible for as well.
The third news we had to conquere was the possibility that my boyfriend might not get to come see me for the weekend of New Year's and my 18th birthday dinner. He has one last payment to make on a hot check from a few years ago and the gas from our hometown to my mom's house is really expensive. The money he made working hasn't been enough to cover both the payment and the trip. His parents have agreed to help him for now but he has to pay them back. I think that is perfectly understandable.
Next, on the same day that he and his parents got in that argument, he discovered our puppy dying in his back yard. That experience has been traumatizing for the both of us on a deeper level than either of us expected.
After all of our problems got sewed together just enough that we could still look forward to seeing each other tonight, I found out that I might not get to see him fro my New Year's kiss. My family has a tradition of going to see the Dallas Stars New Year's Eve game and we have only ever stayed to watch the fireworks once. However, tonight, my mom might want to stay and if she does, then I won't be able to see my boyfriend.
I know I sound a lot like a whining little kid pining for my boyfriend like this but we have both had a very hard year and it means so much to the both of us to start this new year together. We want to be together the moment the new year begins. This is our chance to make everything better and we don't want to miss the signifigance of that sealing moment. I know that the actual moment the year begins has no effect on how the year plays out but we want to have that memory to cherish together.
Throughout all of this we have had moments where we have been completely happy talking to one another over the phone. Simply enjoying talking to a person that you know so well. We have had fun talking about our little inside jokes.
I have hated this entire week. The worst news I recieved was that my baby little puppy died. I miss my baby Belle so much and I don't even know what to do. I'm so far away. I wasn't there to see her one last time. I wasn't there to pet her and make her comfortable. I just want to see my baby again.
I just want this next year to come out better.
I don't even know how to say what it is that's bothering me because I have spent eighteen years learning how to sheild myself from other people. I know this blog is to help me let things out but I still have trouble loosening my ties.
First bad news we recieved is that when my boyfriend comes to visit tonight, he will be staying at his aunt's house an hour away rather than with us because my mom is afraid that my younger brother will tell miy dad that she let my boyfriend stay in the house with us. To me, this is rediculous. I don't understand what is wrong with a guy and a girl, no matter their relation, staying in the same house. Staying in the same room is not appropriate (though I would love that) and I can understand a parent's view on that but the same house!? I don't see what's wrong with that.
The second bad news we had to handle was the decision we made together to not move in together when I turn 18. We origionally had planned to get me out of my father's house as soon as I was legally old enough to leave because of the treatment I recieve there. However, many of the people in the town that I live in have it in their heads that the only reason I am moving out is to be with my boyfriend. Because this is the view of most people, my decision has changed. I've lived with the treatment for my whole life, I suppose I ccan stand to wait 5 more months until I graduate. I know it is the more responsible thing to do but I really think that my mental, emotional, and physical health are things I am responsible for as well.
The third news we had to conquere was the possibility that my boyfriend might not get to come see me for the weekend of New Year's and my 18th birthday dinner. He has one last payment to make on a hot check from a few years ago and the gas from our hometown to my mom's house is really expensive. The money he made working hasn't been enough to cover both the payment and the trip. His parents have agreed to help him for now but he has to pay them back. I think that is perfectly understandable.
Next, on the same day that he and his parents got in that argument, he discovered our puppy dying in his back yard. That experience has been traumatizing for the both of us on a deeper level than either of us expected.
After all of our problems got sewed together just enough that we could still look forward to seeing each other tonight, I found out that I might not get to see him fro my New Year's kiss. My family has a tradition of going to see the Dallas Stars New Year's Eve game and we have only ever stayed to watch the fireworks once. However, tonight, my mom might want to stay and if she does, then I won't be able to see my boyfriend.
I know I sound a lot like a whining little kid pining for my boyfriend like this but we have both had a very hard year and it means so much to the both of us to start this new year together. We want to be together the moment the new year begins. This is our chance to make everything better and we don't want to miss the signifigance of that sealing moment. I know that the actual moment the year begins has no effect on how the year plays out but we want to have that memory to cherish together.
Throughout all of this we have had moments where we have been completely happy talking to one another over the phone. Simply enjoying talking to a person that you know so well. We have had fun talking about our little inside jokes.
I have hated this entire week. The worst news I recieved was that my baby little puppy died. I miss my baby Belle so much and I don't even know what to do. I'm so far away. I wasn't there to see her one last time. I wasn't there to pet her and make her comfortable. I just want to see my baby again.
I just want this next year to come out better.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sorrows Barely Wanted
I'm so sorry.
I think I hurt you more than I could comprehend at the time.
I pushed you away. I didn't trust you. I didn't believe you. I chose, I had to choose, but I still don't know if I chose right. I loved you, loved you with my everything. I wanted only you for the rest of my life. I still have nightmares. They are happy dreams; all bright, shining, smiling, laughing; but I wake up scared, alone, afraid, lost. My dreams hold you in my arms, hold our children against me, walk through our home, live in our hopes. I shattered those hopes for both of us. I killed our children. I murdered our lives together. I'm some new kind of monster, a monster that blindly devours wishes and dreams, love and happiness, hopes and prayers.
I'm so very sorry for what I did to you, to me, to us.
I am always second guessing myself, always being reminded of you, always wanting something back, always comparing them to you.
It's not that I don't have anyone else that wants me, it's just that all the ones that want me, only want me. They don't love me, they don't even really like me at all. I can't keep substituting want and desire for love. It only seems to open old wounds, make them sting and burn again.
You are so far the only person that knows everything. You can read me, even things I never told you, you knew. You know my bad habbits and my fears. You know my best spots and my worst. You know my every move and muscle. You know more of my body than either I or my mother or even my doctor knows. You know when I behave what way and you know when to ask me what's wrong.
I don't cry for people often. I didn't even cry a whole lot when my great grandparents died. You probably have the largest tear jar from me. My father makes me cry a lot as well, but not often for him, more for the people he talks about. You have tears of joy, of sorrow, of fear, of angst, of betrayl, of regret. You own the most laughs and smiles as well. Smiles of true happiness, bashfullness, embarassment, memories, understanding, wanting, desire, content, love. Laughs of tickles, funny moments, remarkable recoveries, phrases, movies, touches, unexpected courage. You own more of me than anyone I know, and it's things that I can never get back, no matter how often I push you away or how often I try to deny you now.
I am so sorry for doing this to you. You have to be taking it better than I though, you seem to have a nice life going for you. I believe you aredoing well at trying to move on. If only I could let you go, if only I didn't feel the need to talk to you first, to tell you first, to have you know everything about me. You don't even care when I tell you, I don't know why I hang on so hard, so desperately. You don't want me. You just want me to go away, to leave so you can move on. You want me to leave you alone so I can stop hurting you.
I am a cruel person. I don't want to be cruel.
I think I hurt you more than I could comprehend at the time.
I pushed you away. I didn't trust you. I didn't believe you. I chose, I had to choose, but I still don't know if I chose right. I loved you, loved you with my everything. I wanted only you for the rest of my life. I still have nightmares. They are happy dreams; all bright, shining, smiling, laughing; but I wake up scared, alone, afraid, lost. My dreams hold you in my arms, hold our children against me, walk through our home, live in our hopes. I shattered those hopes for both of us. I killed our children. I murdered our lives together. I'm some new kind of monster, a monster that blindly devours wishes and dreams, love and happiness, hopes and prayers.
I'm so very sorry for what I did to you, to me, to us.
I am always second guessing myself, always being reminded of you, always wanting something back, always comparing them to you.
It's not that I don't have anyone else that wants me, it's just that all the ones that want me, only want me. They don't love me, they don't even really like me at all. I can't keep substituting want and desire for love. It only seems to open old wounds, make them sting and burn again.
You are so far the only person that knows everything. You can read me, even things I never told you, you knew. You know my bad habbits and my fears. You know my best spots and my worst. You know my every move and muscle. You know more of my body than either I or my mother or even my doctor knows. You know when I behave what way and you know when to ask me what's wrong.
I don't cry for people often. I didn't even cry a whole lot when my great grandparents died. You probably have the largest tear jar from me. My father makes me cry a lot as well, but not often for him, more for the people he talks about. You have tears of joy, of sorrow, of fear, of angst, of betrayl, of regret. You own the most laughs and smiles as well. Smiles of true happiness, bashfullness, embarassment, memories, understanding, wanting, desire, content, love. Laughs of tickles, funny moments, remarkable recoveries, phrases, movies, touches, unexpected courage. You own more of me than anyone I know, and it's things that I can never get back, no matter how often I push you away or how often I try to deny you now.
I am so sorry for doing this to you. You have to be taking it better than I though, you seem to have a nice life going for you. I believe you aredoing well at trying to move on. If only I could let you go, if only I didn't feel the need to talk to you first, to tell you first, to have you know everything about me. You don't even care when I tell you, I don't know why I hang on so hard, so desperately. You don't want me. You just want me to go away, to leave so you can move on. You want me to leave you alone so I can stop hurting you.
I am a cruel person. I don't want to be cruel.
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