I don't know what to do anymore, everything comes in on me at such random moments that I feel like I'm being suffocated from the inside out. Everything is starting to get to me at once and I'm not sure I know how to handle it.
I'm always the person to hold things in, work things out, help other people, and jump through the hoops no one else wants to jump through. Today, however, my temper is so short that I can't seem to handle anything that comes my way. I want to strangle people that keep talking over me because I am so tired of letting everyone walk all over me and then have them expect me to do something for them in return. I am so sick and tired of laying over on my back and just letting shit happen. But when I do try to stand up for myself, people get mad at me because they think I am trying to be rude. Everyone expects me to be the nice one that lets them do anything or is always there to help, and I am, but I don't want them taking advantage of it anymore.
I'm so stressed out that I'm not sure how to help myself out of this siuation.
I love my boyfriend, and he s so dear to me, and he is always trying to help. I want to thank him for that because he really is the only person that wants to do anything for ME. I just hope that I can do his efforts justice and stand up for myself in the end.

My FairyTale

Never before have I felt this way. Every morning I am waking up with the sole wish to see his eyes. Every night I sleep, dreaming of a day that we will fall asleep together. Each moment of each day is brighter and more colorful because I know him. I feel amazed that this wonderful man has stayed with me through everything we have gone through together. I can't believe that he has put forth the effort to learn about who I really am, the part of me that I don't show other people. He has taken the time to get close to me and has become my best friend in the whole world. I can't think of any other person I would want to share something with first. All of my dreams are like a movie that I can't wait to come true. I keep seeing us together through all sorts of things. I dream of the day that I get to tell him that I'm pregnant withour first child. I dream of the day that he kneals in front of me and I accept him as my husband. I love this man more than I have ever loved, or expected to love someone.
I can't wait for all of our dreams to come true.
My love has the most beautiful hazle eyes that I hope our children get.
He is really tall withstrong arms and a gentle heart.
He is the most amazing friend anyone has ever had and I am lucky to call him my best friend and love. He loves me and every day I wonder why. I pray that he continues to love me forever as I will him.

I love you, Thomas David Shawver III.
forever and always.

Get Out There!

Can anyone out there help me? I see other blogs with so many followers and I wonder, “How do they get noticed?” Can anyone tell me this: am I missing something? Is there a place where I can go to ‘put my blog out there’? Or is it simply the matter of people running across it while looking at others’ followed blogs? I’m so confused on that.

Thank you for your help! =)

Just a Little Advice, Perhaps? (College)

I was wondering if anyone would be up to helping me out some? I have been accepted to Baylor in Waco, Texas and I am applying for next semester. I will be a Fine Arts major and I want to base my classes around graphic design and advertising. I really need to get my basics out of the way first. I already have English I, English II, Governement I, and Macroeconomics. I have yet to get enough money together for my $300 deposit that allows me to begin setting everything up but I will have it in a short amount of time (I hope).

I wanted to know if there was anyone out there that knew anything about Baylor? Little inside tips, such as which teacher to take and which to not take. If anyone knows some little tricks about dorms or anything of that sort, that would be great.

Not to mention the fact that I will be paying for college all on my own. My parents have decided not to help me at all (We will not venture into the subject of my parents right now). Therefor, I want to know if anyone out there might have some information on good scholarships, grants, or even what student loans to use. I will also take some of that lovely cash if anyone will be handing it out soon.......
No?
Oh. Well, then be that way.

Anywho... If there is anyone out there that has ANY kind of information, I would take it gratefully. I'm on my own on this one. My parents won't help with money and they are expecting me to take care of everything on my own with college. I don't know how anything works so could some people just let me in on some things perhaps?

Thank you bunches!

Just A Little Side-Note of Boredom

So, I'm sitting in my last period class feeling really lazy because I really don't want to do anything. This class is technically an hour the school gave me to work on my 3 online classes. Does that seem fair? One class period for 3 classes? No. But do I do the work anyway? No. So, really it doesn't matter.

My 2 college courses don't start until NEXT wednesday and so I'm still feeling really not-school-ey this week. Next week I feel like I am going to EXPLODE but for now I'm still relaxing.

Not to mention this week has been a really rough week to handle anyway! My younger brother wrecked my truck on Sunday and yesterday we found out that along side a busted headlight and crumpled corner (at which it still drove) the water pump was broken and leaking antifreeze and water all over the road (at which point it quit driving). Therefor, I now am out a vehicle.

That is actually the extent of the trouble I have gone through... though it has been extremely stressful all its own simply because now I have to hop and skip and hitch rides with other people to get around to all the places I wind up at in a day.

Oh my, also our school decided to invite David Gordon back. He is a sex ed speaker! (For anyone in the west Texas area that has had to sit through one of his seminars, I feel your pain.) I don't mind him so much because he is not shy, he is strait forward, and he isn't oblivious to what goes on in today's society. However, I don't agree with his standpoint on some topics. For instance, he likes to tell 'young ladies' that if we have sex before marriage that it is very unlikely that we will ever find a man that loves us for who we are. What kind of message does that send to the girls in his audience that AREN'T virgins!? What goes through their head at that point is probably along the lines of "I'm not lovable anymore." That. That is what I disagree with.

Oh! There is new gossip in town too! There are two new senior girls in my class that started Monday. (Which was the same day as David Gordon, way to scare the new girls, hmm?) One of them is very sweet and not too shy because though she is 17-18 years old, she is hitting on my younger brother! Which I think is cute. Haha. He is only 16 but I suppose it happens! The REAL gossip is with the other new girl (sorry, no names). She moved here from south Texas. She tells us that she got in a fight with her dad and just left. She now lives here with her boyfriend's parents. Now, that seems odd to begin with, right? It gets better. She met her boyfriend online because he added her on myspace. Now they are intent on getting married in October! They actually are engaged! You want to know the worst part? He's an 18 year old registered sex offender in the penitentiary. He is in for child molestation. He was on parole for a year. Then he violated his parole by getting cought forcong another little child to do things again. The first time it was his little niece. The second time it was the son of a woman I work with. Now it's all wrong isn't it? The next worst part and the question you want to know; YES, his girlfriend KNOWS what he did.

On a lighter note: I tried out this week and got a part in our One Act Play. I'm excited, we are doing Steel Magnolias and I am M'Lyn, the mother. I have a very large, very dramatic role this year. Wish me luck! last year I shared the lead with another girl because our characters were best friends and the play was centered around them. This year, I come in second lead behind the same girl! She will be playing Shelby, the daughter. I can't wait to see it all finished.

Anyway, I have now successfully spent my entire class period typing this post and NOT working on my online classes. Tsk Tsk on myself. Oh well, right? Haha, at least I got all my latest gossip out!

Finale

Goodnight at the end  of an over-all great day!

The New Morning

Happy  New Year everybody!

My New Year's Eve started with a trip to the American Airlines Center to watch the Big D NYE Dallas Stars hockey game.We won, of course. The game was close for the first period but by the second and third we were  kicking some major Duck ass! The final score was 5:3 and the stadium was in an amazing uproar of total satisfaction.

After the game ended, we chose not to stay for the live performance because of the cold, wet weather. However, we went strait to our house where....

My boyfriend was sitting outside!

Woot!

We all went inside the house together and relaxed in the warmth. We watched my younger brother play Oblivion and waited for the final countdown of the year. Only 2 minutes before the New Year, we switched the TV onto the Dallas after game party.

We watched the final countdown, had our New Year's kisses (except my brother, I think I caught him making googley eyes at the dog out of the corner of my vision though) (haha) and then we settled back to watch the fireworks.


At my mom's house, since we can't be here for Christmas every year, we celebrate Christmas Eve on New Year's Eve and Christmas Day on New Year's Day. Therefor, this morning when I woke up, we made our way into the livingroom where my step dad was cooking breakfast for us all. My Grandma came over and we all ate together. Next, we all sat down to open presents together. About an hour later, my boyfriend showed back up and got to meet my grandma.

Now we are all sitting together, waiting on our friends Jim&Steve (We always say their names as one person, and I am not sure why...) so we can all eat lunch together.


Have a wonderful 2010 everyone!

A Hard Week

I don't know where to begin on this one. This week has been a week of ups and downs as my boyfriend said last  night. For the both of us, really. We have gone through some really happy moments together and we have recieved some hard news together as well. All of this and we are three and a half hours away from each other.

I don't even know how to say what it is that's bothering me because I have spent eighteen years learning how to sheild myself from other people. I know this blog is to help me let things out but I still have trouble loosening my ties.

First bad news we recieved is that when my boyfriend comes to visit tonight, he will be staying at his aunt's house an hour away rather than with us because my mom is afraid that my younger brother will tell miy dad that she let my boyfriend stay in the house with us. To me, this is rediculous. I don't understand what is wrong with a guy and a girl, no matter their relation, staying in the same house. Staying in the same room is not appropriate (though I would love that) and I can understand a parent's view on that but the same house!? I don't see what's wrong with that.

The second bad news we had to handle was the decision we made together to not move in together when I turn 18. We origionally had planned to get me out of my father's house as soon as I was legally old enough to leave because of the treatment I recieve there. However, many of the people in the town that I live in have it in their heads that the only reason I am moving out is to be with my boyfriend. Because this is the view of most people, my decision has changed. I've lived with the treatment for my whole life, I suppose I ccan stand to wait 5 more months until I graduate. I know it is the more responsible thing to do but I really think that my mental, emotional, and physical health are things I am responsible for as well.

The third news we had to conquere was the possibility that my boyfriend might not get to come see me for the weekend of New Year's and my 18th birthday dinner. He has one last payment to make on a hot check from a few years ago and the gas from our hometown to my mom's house is really expensive. The money he made working hasn't been enough to cover both the payment and the trip. His parents have agreed to help him for now but he has to pay them back. I think that is perfectly understandable.

Next, on the same day that he and his parents got in that argument, he discovered our puppy dying in his back yard. That experience has been traumatizing for the both of us on a deeper level than either of us expected.

After all of our problems got sewed together just enough that we could still look forward to seeing each other tonight, I found out that I might not get to see him fro my New Year's kiss. My family has a tradition of going to see the Dallas Stars New Year's Eve game and we have only ever stayed to watch the fireworks once. However, tonight, my mom might want to stay and if she does, then I won't be able to see my boyfriend.

I know I sound a lot like a whining little kid pining for my boyfriend like this but we have both had a very hard year and it means so much to the both of us to start this new year together. We want to be together the moment the new year begins. This is our chance to make everything better and we don't want to miss the signifigance of that sealing moment. I know that the actual moment the year begins has no effect on how the year plays out but we want to have that memory to cherish together.

Throughout all of this we have had moments where we have been completely happy talking to one another over the phone. Simply enjoying talking to a person that you know so well. We have had fun talking about our little inside jokes.

I have hated this entire week. The worst news I recieved was that my baby little puppy died. I miss my baby Belle so much and I don't even know what to do. I'm so far away. I wasn't there to see her one last time. I wasn't there to pet her and make her comfortable. I just want to see my baby again.

I just want this next year to come out better.

About Belle

My boyfriend and I have a puppy. Her name is Belle and she is a pit bull. She is black and white and has the most relaxed temperment of any dog I have ever met. She is the sweetest dog I know and wants nothing more than to be played with and then held and petted. When I pick her up shesimply flops into my arms. She was getting so big the last time I did it that I showed dificulty in supporting all of her at once. We love our Belle. She is the first thing we have together, as a couple, that we share. She is our baby and we have spoiled her to no end.

Belle died today.

It took 3 hours. Only three little hours. That's only 180 minutes.

I am three and a half hours away from her and my boyfriend right now. Igot a text while I was in a movie theater. When the movie ended, I got out and read this message:

Baby belle is dying and i dont know wat to do shes stiff and her gums are white and her eyes are glazed over

I am three and a half hours away from her. I can't do anything. I immediately called my boyfriend to ask how she was. He told me that she was dead. They had buried her. He still had her collar in his hands.

I remembered all the dreams I had with her in them. All the happy things I wanted to happen. She was our first puppy and I was going to raise her with him. We would still have her when we moved in together. She would live with both of us instead of only at his house. We were going to spoil her. We wanted to make her our life. I thought of all those images; laying on the couch against him, petting her. Feeding her in the mornings and at night. Letting her sleep on the bed with us. Going to play with her outside.

Now all of these dreams are shattered.

I regret not playing with her enough. I regret not spending more time with her outside.

She was only a puppy. We don't know what happened to her. Only that it took 3 hours. Three hours between my boyfriend's sister playing with her, and him going outside to play with her, searching for her frantically, and finding her curled in the corner of the fenced yard seconds from death. I just want her back now.

Almost-Worst Nightmare

Dreams freak me out. I hate/love the way anything happens but it all seems so right, like that's the way it's always been. This particular dream, though, caught my worst fear in it's most realistic moments and I almost cried in fear. The only thing that kept me sane was that it was only a dream...

I could see the bright, airy light streaming through my window but I couldn't see any shadows. The sun's light seemed to be emminating from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was bright and cheery and I settled into it's comfort. I was laying in my bed, propped on some pillows, facing my open door when I heard a voice down the hall say "She's in there."
I saw a shape come around the corner with his head bowed. John* walked shyly into the room and paused halfway to my bedside.
"I'm sorry for what I said about you before. I didn't realize that you, or he, would take it so personally."

My dream seemed to continue but pause. You know how dreams are, time bends. I remembered distinctly something that really did happen the day before, I had found out that John had said some crude and vulgar jokes about me, regarding my passing out at the doctor's office, to my boyfriend earlier that day. It had hit me hard and I had become angry with him. The next time he tried to talk to me, I promptly ordered him to 'fuck off'. He told me that he thought the joke was funny and that if I didn't then it was my problem. I said I took it offensively and did NOT like it at all. I hadn't talked to him since then.

I heard my voice around me but I couldn't feel my lips move, nor had I told them to. However, the voice carried on, "It's ok, I forgive you." And with that I saw my arms rise offering him a hugging embrace. I never told my arms to move! I'm still mad at him! Why is my dream-self forgiving him? Never the less he shuffled forward and layed his head on me in the most pathetic hug. He practically curled up on me right there! My right arm was holding him and I had completely disregarded my left to the point that I can't remember what happened to it.
My dream took a sharp turn when John started kissing my arm pathetically. In the real world this, for one, would never have happened, and for two, would have freaked me out on a very deep level. However, in dream world, my dream-self disregarded it and simply sotthed him away from it like a sobbing clid trying to whipe his nose on his shirt. I shooed his face away with gentle authority. Next thing I know he is turning his face up and starring at my breasts. He turned his face into my stomach again and whippered a muffled "I love you." This did freak me out in my dream and I gently pushed him up and away saying that I forgave him but that he really needed to go. He tried to protest with small, sobby words and pleaded with his eyes but I told him I was done. He shuffled out of my room, again looking torn, pathetic, and grief-ridden.
The way he left had my dream-self in such a tift that I decided I would get dressed and go outside where I just knew (for some odd dream-reality reason) there were a lot of people basking in the eminating light.

Just as I was clumsily slipping my jeans on, (geeze,even in my dreams I'm clumsy!) I heard three voices in the hall. I recognized one as a sniffling John, the other two I couldn't quite place. One of them was familiar and the other I was sure I didn't know. John huffed and quietly said, "I just love her so much." The other two voices conversed and exchanged words that I caught very few of, 'hold', 'quiet', and 'we know' were all that I could decifer from their mumbles. I had no idea what they meant but they scared me and made me move faster to get dressed.

I was buttoning my jeans when out of the corner of my eye I saw their shadows come into view of my doorway. I stood to face them, ready for anything. I saw John's eyes first. They were tear stained with heart break and anger fueling his manic look. His expression changed to panic and his eyes flashed from me to my bed and back. Though he had tears coming out of his eyes, his voice clearly ordered,"Get her!"

I knew then what they were going to do and I was NOT going to stand by and let my worst fear happen to me. I ran past them and dodged their arms as I reached the end of the hall. I took a turn and went to the back door. The layout of the house was familiar. I remember now that it was my mom's house, but when I looked outside it was my father's family and friends that I saw. Never the less, in dream world, anything happens. My heart was punding when I stepped outside, searching frantically for safety. I saw my dad and step mom sitting on a round pallet of concrete. There was a long, narrow sidewalk looking path leading from the back door over to them in a winding patturn. I started to walk down it towards my dad. I felt the tears whell up in my eyes as I whispered "Daddy".

I just want to inform everyone that my dad and I don't have the best relationship and we have a lot of trust issues. He is never the person I go to talk to when I have a problemand even my dream-self felt this. The entire time I was walking down that path I was debating on whether I should tell him or not. I never come to my dad crying and I most definately never whisper to him like that. The last time I was crying and pleaded to him like this, he rejected me saying that I had messed up too bad. This was what I was fearing when I went to him in my dream.

I dropped to my knees in front of him and though he scoffed, thinking I was about to tell him something I had done that would get me in trouble, I leaned forward anyway and put my arms aound his shoulders. I was crying so hard that I could barely talk. Slowly though, I managed to choke it out of myself. "I was-I wa-They-I-They-They nearly-I-rape-They-They nearly raped me."

The words came out and I felt him stiffen. I started crying again and I lost track of everything. Next thing I know, I look up and I am in my boyfriend's lap. I asked, "How did I get in your lap?" in a whisper but he only 'shhhh'ed me and told me it would all be ok. I saw my dad standing next to us. He was asking questions to someone but I couldn't hear them and I didn't know the other person.

I turned my face back to my boyfriend and the tears whelled up agian. I hid my sobbing eyes in his shoulder and stayed there for an eternity.

I woke up.

I was still in my own bed. Time was real. The dream never happened. I sighed a breath of relief and closed my eyes again.

Oh Me! Oh My!

Today I went to the doctor (the reasoning of which I am not comfortable discussing to any person) and in the end I had some blood work done.

I am afraid of needles you idiot nurse!

I can't look at a needle or watch it go in or I will freak out, however, once I feel the pinch, I'm fine because it's the puncture that bothers me, not the needle itself.

Finally I managed to calm myself in my hard, plastic, grey chair and concentrate on the the stupid little sign beside me. I felt her cold fingers through her latex gloves and then the little pinch of the needle entering my tissue. Whew. The worst was over. Thirty seconds later and her voice chirped about like a bird's exclaiming that I was all done. I got up seeing a few spots but when about gathering my gloves and jacket.

I left the room and when back to the main waiting room where my mom was getting ready to pay out. I plopped myself into a seat fealing a little woozy and unstable. When I got up to leave my vision swam with blackness, I managed to get out the door and that is where my knees were too weak to hold me up anymore. I sat down right there on the floor. My mom asked me if I was alright or if I needed to go lay down. I started to protest when my vision began to swim again and I opted to go lay down in one of the exam rooms. My mom helped me through the doors of the waiting room again and sat me in a chair to fetch a nurse to help me and to find an empty exam room.

She returned and told me to go with her. I was still feeling resiliant so I stubbornly stood up as quickly as my blood would let me and walked forward, determined to make it through the waiting room without drawing too much attention to myself. My memory was getting fuzzy and I was walking in a haze but I made it through the doors alright. Once through the doors I started to feel myself fall. My mom, who was already on my side, moved to catch me from the front where the nurse helped put my arms over her shoulder. My memory here is very slight and I only remember the smallest details. My boots were making the most unbearable sound as the were drug, toes down, across to short-ply, doctor's-office, horribly patturned carpet. My mom was explaing to the nurses that she was accustomed to dealing with these kind of moments, only she was used to animals due to the fact that she works as a nurse at a veterinary clinic. The next thing I know, everything is black and I feel like I'm sleeping.

You know, the feeling you get when you are barely on the edge of consiousness? Your brain is starting to fuctions one cell at a time but you can still feel that your body is shut down. You feel heavy as a lead weight and fluid. Everything is fuzzy and you can't tell if it's a dream, a memory, or something happening around you.

I heard voices around me and felt hands on my arms but at the same time I didn't. They were there but they weren't there. Just like dreams. The moment you try to catch one, it disappears. I heard a voice that sounded like it was trying to be loud but was too far away to make any difference.

Like a person trying to yell ferociously from a hill away. By the time it reaches you it sounds level pitched.

The voice was saying, "Can you hear me? Can she hear me?"

Thats when the cold burnign sensation started. I felt it in my whole head first, then just my face, and finally just my nose as it faded. Sluggish words came bubbling out of my mouth. None of them were too kind, either.

I heard myself gurgle something about "What the hell did you put in my nose?" and "Fucking hot shit in my face burning!" and "Why the hell are you all yelling at me?"

I felt hands putting towels under me and I started to feel really cold on the backs of my thighs. They laid a wet rag over my chest and forhead and over my arms.

The nurses told me to open my eyes and try to keep them open. Couldn't they see I just wanted to sleep!? I tried to do what they said though. My arms were so hot and my hands were vibrating with numbness. My limbs were heavy and my stomach felt uneasy.

A straw was stuck near my face and I was instructed to 'drink' immediately. I felt the fruitpunch flavored juice enter my mouth, slide over my tongue, down my throught, and settle in my stomach rather cooly.

After the nurses were convienced that I was ok, they left the room one at a time. My mom sat in the corner beside my exam table I had somehow gotten on looking at me with curious eyes. I choked out a "What did ya'll do, stick wet towels under my butt?" Meaning it as a joke. However, she just shook her head and watched as my eyes got big when I realized what had happened. I mouthed to her, unable to say it out loud out of sheer embarassment, "Did I pee on myself?" She nodded sadly and said, "We are only 20 minutes from the house, do you mind waiting here while I go get you a change of pants?"

Well DUH mom! Go get the pants!

I said, "Sure, go ahead, I'll just take a nap. By the way, what happened?"

"While you were out, the nursees took your blood pressure and it was at 89/56. Your blood pressure plummeted after only 3 or 4 minutes of getting your blood drawn. Our best guess is that you are so small that your body reacted to the blood loss violently and rapidly."

I laid there on that table for about an hour waiting for my pants and thinking about everythign that happend. So that is what it feels like to pass out? Interesting.



So, in other words: Today I got my blood drawn for the first time, and due to my small size, my body didn't like it much and I also passed out for the first time in my life. I think it was quite the experience.

No Need To Say Goodbye

It's been so long since I've posted that I'm not sure where to begin.

I'll start simple, with a quote from a text I recieved from my boyfriend:

"I will love you forever; we will be sitting on the edge of a cloud watching the sun rise the day after eternity"

My life is changing right now, and changing fast. Things are whirring around me and all I want is to slow down. Alas, life continues on and one day Ii can only hope I learn how to catch up. Until then, enjoy my little muses! Perhaps I will try to keep up with this again......

Head Space (Meditation)

I recently (as in about an hour ago) discovered the effects of a successful meditation. I'm not talking about religious meditation or anything spooky with floating candles or deep emotional revelations. Satisfactions reveal themselves in simpler and smaller packages. I had to create a method of meditation suited for me based upon what I have read about other meditators and their experiences.
Stripping my comforter to the back of my bed over my pillows was only the first step. I covered everything with my top sheet creating a grey surface for me to connect to. I had my large bed flat with it's grey sheet and a large inviting mass against the footboard covered in the other grey sheet. Grey is my color because of my natural artistic eye, grey naturally calms me. Grey is the most nuetral I can get next to pure white. However, grey is a smoother color, a little more loving to me, a little less hospital sheet-ish. Music poured from my laptop to my headphones to sooth my racing mind. I chose melodies with gentle percussion and complex and playful lyrics. Strictly instrumental would have left me dead. My legs crossed and my back straitened so that I could feel as whole as possible. I focused my attention on the point of symmetry on my headboard. I slowed my breathing and deepened each breath. I let my eyes focus on the point as my mind concentrated on my breathing until I felt I was completely in control of my body.

I closed my eyes slowly and simultaniously with a smooth intake of breath. I kept my concentration on my breathing, trying to create and maintain a rhythm while I shifted my focus from the point on the bed to the weightlessness of my body. Particularly the points at the balls of my shoulders. I felt my body lose pull and shifted my center of gravity upward. I kept my focus on my wheitlessness until I had lost all feeling of attachment to my body completely. I concentrated on my breathing for a while longer and reveled in my moment of floating unimbodied for just a few seconds before turning my attention elsewhere.

I imagined I was in a space. An empty space, void of anything solid. No walls, no furniture, no anything. My body, the sound of the music with no source, and the nothing was all that I had. Colors changed with the movement of the music. Slowly I shifted my empty space into a personal location. I tried and island at first, with short grass and sandy beaches. Water makes me uncomfortable so I extened the land and let the grass grow tall until I had a field made in various shades of dancing yellows, greens, browns, limes, and greys. I felt the warmth of a fire and looked to see a large sun beaming overhead. My element is earth and I have a warm personality so it only makes sense that my closest second element would be fire. Once I had my location created I just lay in it, memorizing it. I memorized the feel of the sun on my skin, the smell of the grass in my face and against the back of my head as I let it mingle with my hair spread out around me on the ground. I soaked in the every detail of each individual blade of grass tall and slinder and graceful as a trained dancer. I remained in my feild until I felt I was 'done'. I could tell because I was slowly becoming more aware of physical things that were not in my imagination. I finally let go of my image and took one deep breath. I opened my eyes as slow as possible in time with the release of my last breath taken in my field.

My vision was slightly blurry and I felt light and then suddenly everything came into a sharp and harsh focus while the full weight of my body made itself known again. I am back in the real world but I feel calmer and cleaner with the memory of my field.

I'm going to visit my field again tomorrow when I wake up. I feel it will be a great way to start my day.

If anyone has any suggestions to help me meditate more successfully then I am open to change. Just please remember that I am aiming to use meditation as a temporary escape into a clearer part of my mind, not a way to get deeper thoughts on the problems I already have. Deeper thoughts is the problem I am trying to escape with this. Perhaps after I get used to meditaion and the calm I feel then I can use it to help me solve problems in a more rational way or to keep me stable every day. I feel like it's a great way to, for lack of a better way to say it, detox my mind.

Classroom Samba

Wake up! It's time for your day to begin and everything is crashing onto your head from the sky. My life is in it's fast forward moment and everything is pushing to be in the front of my attention. I am losing my mind and I don't know how to control everthing I am doing. Yet somehow, in the middle of me not knowing how to control it and worrying about everything falling apart, I find that I have somehow managed to make it through this far at least.

I feel that I am a very mature and very adult teenager with more work than I should have to worry about, yet I am still so young and immature. I am locked in a strange place where nothing fits. I am living a college girl's life in highschool. Though I should only expect as much, I have always been about a year or two ahead of everyone in my generation.

I hate that I am always worrying about everthing I have to do. Right now I really don't have too much going on, but it is the thought of everything that worries me most. I have a habbit of piling everything together into one bundle so that I feel more busy than I really am. As though I am torturing myself with scheduals.

The prospect of the next year frightens me and I keep going over it in my head:

Keeping a job with limited time and lack of sleep while attending duel credit college courses during other classes that are going to be difficult. Trying to get into college by piling every possible thing on top of my already obese schedual so that I might seem more appealing. Head of the Annual Staff and running for Class President for second year. The need to build my portfolio so that when I do find a school to go to, I will have something to show of myself. Trying to keep a healthy relationship with my family while also going against their wishes in where I choose to attend college. Keeping up my title as Miss Throckorton and always looking like I just walked out of a fashion-boutique/salon/spa. Not to mention the addition of UIL and other extra activities. Though, I am smart enough to realize that I do not have enough time to participate in any sports. Not only do I have to keep my grades in tip top shape, but I also have to keep enough hours at my low-in job to pay for my truck and my food and my college courses.

When I look at all of this at once and then add all the little stuff in between, I start to freak out and think that I don't have enough hours in a day to keep everything in line.

I need a planner.

Though I feel pressured, I cannot wait for school to start because for some strange reason, i enjoy the pressure of trying to make sure everything runs smoothly. Being the top student in the school and a senior with high priorities, I have to make everything I do look as effortlessly as slurping jello.

Quick! Catch that Sale!

August 9th, 2009; it has been so long since I left a post online! I feel like I have neglected any readers I might have! Do I see any hands coming up? No? Oh well, that's fine.

Anywho, on with what I am wanting to post.
I have decided to give up on looking a certain way everyday. I have tried so many different times to look like the 'punk girl' or the 'boho girl' or the 'fashionable girl' and I just got so tired of trying to be one of those everyday. So I have come to the conclusion that I will wear whatever mood I am in when I wake up. Whether that be black eyeliner and chains or a ruffled blouse with curls and pink flowers.






























I simply love that last one.


I am one of the unfortunate that live in a far-away little town in the middle of nowhere. I have limited shopping options as well as a fashionably cripple society. How do I keep up my style and sense of adventure? Don't look now! It's smart shopping!
Everyone knows that the smart way to shop is on sales racks and clearance shelves but nobody wants to wear last season's fashion, right? That's what I thought. However, there is a way to take those clothes and make them work for any time of year. Take the sales at the end of summer where everyone is trying to make room for the winter line. A simple tip for your summer sales racks is to look for more nuetral colors or faded tones that compliment the cold of the season and layer peices over one another or even over a splurged winter peice for a nice transitional look. The classic cozy look of a thin-knit long sleeve tee is updated with a neutral button-down and a pair of destroyed fade-wash jeans. add a pair of last year's ugg boots with some cute tall socks and a simple leather belt and some neutral/natural jewlry in woods and natural stones create a classicly updated look that appears laid back without being sloppy.

Another tip that everyone should know is do not be afraid to wear something feirce or last season if you feel that you can make it look good. Clothes are meant to be worn by you, not you worn by them. No matter if you feel it's too modern, too old, last season's, or too cheap; in the end, clothes are clothes and if it looks good then wear it!

I shop in places everywhere from the $5 rack in Target, to my grandmother's closet, to Versace online. There are great peices to be found anywhere, you just have to know how to wear them.

Austin Food Review

Hello everybody, I'm here in Austin, Texas about five hours away from home! I'm here to compete in State UIL for Headline Writing. While I was out and about today my friend, MaKenna, and I stopped at a little sandwich shop called Which Wich. Here you can build your own sandwich by marking on a little paper sandwich bag what you want and then putting your name on the bottom. I decided that I was going to get a #5 bag which is the seafood selection. From this bag I selected the Surf & Turf which is crab meat and roast beef; I then chose white bread with swiss cheese, regular mayo and cucumbers. The combination is refreshing and light with a touch of sweetness from the crab meat and a light crunch from the cucumber and a hearty taste in the roast beef. So, if you are ever in Austin and you feel the need for the perfect sandwich on a hot day, just stop in to Which Wich and get this lovely seafood surf and turf sandwich. It's sure to hit you just right!

Another (Not So) Happy Ending

Boyfriends, oh how they can create such termoil among girls of our age. My current boyfriend, Kevin, lives out of town in the town I grew up in about 30 miles south of where we live.



fact- I am a very big flirt in my school, though you can ask any of the boys here and they will tell you that I never mean anything by it.



At first he seemed perfect. He was the same boy I had always known through my childhood. We grew up together, so how different could he be, right?



Wrong.



Subtle hints began making themselves present by the third time we got to go out together. We were walking through the mall in Abilene when I saw a guy I thought I knew. My attention focused and my head snapped to the right. I let my eyes train on his features, annalyzing his every move. Finally, after a moment's pause filled with some sort of heavy hesitation, I came to the conclusion that it was a trick of movement; nobody familiar as I had first suspected. I turned my face back to walking and paid no mind to my impulsive action until I heard a familiar voice in an unfamiliar tone ask a double ended question. To my left, the words running out of his mouth like taffy laced in poison, I heard Kevin ask, "Do you know him, babe?" His tone held suspicion and threat; either at me or the boy, I don't know, but it left me stricken.


We have now been seperated for two weeks and I can feel the relief like a summer rain.

Hallways

School. Jailhouse and safehaven. Sounds like an off tune orchestra.

Dress-Bag Slicker

I just got home from a day full of running around in the rain and just 'doing stuff'. I have had a lot of fun today and I just want to say that the new movie, "XMen Origins: Wolverine" is amazing. I love it and I felt like it ended WAY too soon. (And for all you mom's that love Wolverine, there are a few very sexy scenes. Not in a perverted sex-scene kind of way, more of a shirtless moment but happyl and then a naked-run-away-fear-and-confusion moment where you don't really see anything) Oh my, his body is way amazing and fit and gorgeous.

A moment from earlier today:

The lightning sent a camera's flash through the window of the small building. All it's occupants gasped and looked out into the world on the other side. A real life movie from the 20's. Everything was in black and white, no color, just shades of grey moving in a sort of shaken shadow. Small gusts of wind pushed lines of rain towards the door in some unknown rhythm. The spots littering the ground danced in a waltz with increasing furocity.
Inside, the lights were bright and the air too stiff. The whites were too white and the colors too bold. The silence was too heavy and the tension and concentration coming from the people's eyes were almost solid.
Everyone was done with what they needed, but all were too attached to their too-white and too-dry moment that they were all afraid to leave through the waiting doors. Two of them stand, walk to the doors, push them open, and disappear into the old film.
Outside the barrier of the starched room, the two laugh and run towards their silently waiting vehicle. One door opens a moment just before the other and they launch themsleves into the seats. The rain finds a few seconds between the time they land and the closing of the doors to push its way into the car and onto their seats, laps, and floorboards. The doors close as a few desperate drops fight their way into the closing spaces. More luaghter erupts when they realize they are drenched on all the points of their bodys that face the sky.
Just a moment passes by before the two notice the perfect block that was the shop is broken for a second time as the doors swing open once more. Two bodies erupt from the white area. The sign above the door reading 'TAILOR' flickers once as the two bodies, covered in dress bags with face-holes cut in them, run across the parking lot to their own vehicle.
At the sight of two grown women, running through the grey rain in dress bags, the first two let even more laughter flow throughout the little car like a new perfume. It envelopes them in a colorful warmth that can't be dried by the 20's storm outside, or confined by the perfectly white box in front of them.





Ok, that was just a funny moment today. The rain really came out of no where. I mean, it was misting all day and then, as we were sitting there, BAM, it just hit us. The sky's bottom broke and I swear I saw a few chuncks of it hit the ground in the midsts of all the rain droplets! Now, if you've ever seen grown women run in dress bags, then you can laugh like that. However, if you havn't, it's something worth seeing at least once in your life if you ever get the rare chance.

Alright, I suppose I ought to go to bed now. I have extra stuff to get done tomorrow. I hope that I didn't get to descriptive and that you all actually caught the funniness in the moment.

Music Kind of Gal

So I just thought that it might be fun to post my music on here one day just to show what kind of person you all can make of me. I always thought that the kind of music you listen to can say alot about a person. This is my current favorite playlist of about 4 that I have made on playlist.com. I just love the summer feel that this music gives me.