About Belle

My boyfriend and I have a puppy. Her name is Belle and she is a pit bull. She is black and white and has the most relaxed temperment of any dog I have ever met. She is the sweetest dog I know and wants nothing more than to be played with and then held and petted. When I pick her up shesimply flops into my arms. She was getting so big the last time I did it that I showed dificulty in supporting all of her at once. We love our Belle. She is the first thing we have together, as a couple, that we share. She is our baby and we have spoiled her to no end.

Belle died today.

It took 3 hours. Only three little hours. That's only 180 minutes.

I am three and a half hours away from her and my boyfriend right now. Igot a text while I was in a movie theater. When the movie ended, I got out and read this message:

Baby belle is dying and i dont know wat to do shes stiff and her gums are white and her eyes are glazed over

I am three and a half hours away from her. I can't do anything. I immediately called my boyfriend to ask how she was. He told me that she was dead. They had buried her. He still had her collar in his hands.

I remembered all the dreams I had with her in them. All the happy things I wanted to happen. She was our first puppy and I was going to raise her with him. We would still have her when we moved in together. She would live with both of us instead of only at his house. We were going to spoil her. We wanted to make her our life. I thought of all those images; laying on the couch against him, petting her. Feeding her in the mornings and at night. Letting her sleep on the bed with us. Going to play with her outside.

Now all of these dreams are shattered.

I regret not playing with her enough. I regret not spending more time with her outside.

She was only a puppy. We don't know what happened to her. Only that it took 3 hours. Three hours between my boyfriend's sister playing with her, and him going outside to play with her, searching for her frantically, and finding her curled in the corner of the fenced yard seconds from death. I just want her back now.

Almost-Worst Nightmare

Dreams freak me out. I hate/love the way anything happens but it all seems so right, like that's the way it's always been. This particular dream, though, caught my worst fear in it's most realistic moments and I almost cried in fear. The only thing that kept me sane was that it was only a dream...

I could see the bright, airy light streaming through my window but I couldn't see any shadows. The sun's light seemed to be emminating from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was bright and cheery and I settled into it's comfort. I was laying in my bed, propped on some pillows, facing my open door when I heard a voice down the hall say "She's in there."
I saw a shape come around the corner with his head bowed. John* walked shyly into the room and paused halfway to my bedside.
"I'm sorry for what I said about you before. I didn't realize that you, or he, would take it so personally."

My dream seemed to continue but pause. You know how dreams are, time bends. I remembered distinctly something that really did happen the day before, I had found out that John had said some crude and vulgar jokes about me, regarding my passing out at the doctor's office, to my boyfriend earlier that day. It had hit me hard and I had become angry with him. The next time he tried to talk to me, I promptly ordered him to 'fuck off'. He told me that he thought the joke was funny and that if I didn't then it was my problem. I said I took it offensively and did NOT like it at all. I hadn't talked to him since then.

I heard my voice around me but I couldn't feel my lips move, nor had I told them to. However, the voice carried on, "It's ok, I forgive you." And with that I saw my arms rise offering him a hugging embrace. I never told my arms to move! I'm still mad at him! Why is my dream-self forgiving him? Never the less he shuffled forward and layed his head on me in the most pathetic hug. He practically curled up on me right there! My right arm was holding him and I had completely disregarded my left to the point that I can't remember what happened to it.
My dream took a sharp turn when John started kissing my arm pathetically. In the real world this, for one, would never have happened, and for two, would have freaked me out on a very deep level. However, in dream world, my dream-self disregarded it and simply sotthed him away from it like a sobbing clid trying to whipe his nose on his shirt. I shooed his face away with gentle authority. Next thing I know he is turning his face up and starring at my breasts. He turned his face into my stomach again and whippered a muffled "I love you." This did freak me out in my dream and I gently pushed him up and away saying that I forgave him but that he really needed to go. He tried to protest with small, sobby words and pleaded with his eyes but I told him I was done. He shuffled out of my room, again looking torn, pathetic, and grief-ridden.
The way he left had my dream-self in such a tift that I decided I would get dressed and go outside where I just knew (for some odd dream-reality reason) there were a lot of people basking in the eminating light.

Just as I was clumsily slipping my jeans on, (geeze,even in my dreams I'm clumsy!) I heard three voices in the hall. I recognized one as a sniffling John, the other two I couldn't quite place. One of them was familiar and the other I was sure I didn't know. John huffed and quietly said, "I just love her so much." The other two voices conversed and exchanged words that I caught very few of, 'hold', 'quiet', and 'we know' were all that I could decifer from their mumbles. I had no idea what they meant but they scared me and made me move faster to get dressed.

I was buttoning my jeans when out of the corner of my eye I saw their shadows come into view of my doorway. I stood to face them, ready for anything. I saw John's eyes first. They were tear stained with heart break and anger fueling his manic look. His expression changed to panic and his eyes flashed from me to my bed and back. Though he had tears coming out of his eyes, his voice clearly ordered,"Get her!"

I knew then what they were going to do and I was NOT going to stand by and let my worst fear happen to me. I ran past them and dodged their arms as I reached the end of the hall. I took a turn and went to the back door. The layout of the house was familiar. I remember now that it was my mom's house, but when I looked outside it was my father's family and friends that I saw. Never the less, in dream world, anything happens. My heart was punding when I stepped outside, searching frantically for safety. I saw my dad and step mom sitting on a round pallet of concrete. There was a long, narrow sidewalk looking path leading from the back door over to them in a winding patturn. I started to walk down it towards my dad. I felt the tears whell up in my eyes as I whispered "Daddy".

I just want to inform everyone that my dad and I don't have the best relationship and we have a lot of trust issues. He is never the person I go to talk to when I have a problemand even my dream-self felt this. The entire time I was walking down that path I was debating on whether I should tell him or not. I never come to my dad crying and I most definately never whisper to him like that. The last time I was crying and pleaded to him like this, he rejected me saying that I had messed up too bad. This was what I was fearing when I went to him in my dream.

I dropped to my knees in front of him and though he scoffed, thinking I was about to tell him something I had done that would get me in trouble, I leaned forward anyway and put my arms aound his shoulders. I was crying so hard that I could barely talk. Slowly though, I managed to choke it out of myself. "I was-I wa-They-I-They-They nearly-I-rape-They-They nearly raped me."

The words came out and I felt him stiffen. I started crying again and I lost track of everything. Next thing I know, I look up and I am in my boyfriend's lap. I asked, "How did I get in your lap?" in a whisper but he only 'shhhh'ed me and told me it would all be ok. I saw my dad standing next to us. He was asking questions to someone but I couldn't hear them and I didn't know the other person.

I turned my face back to my boyfriend and the tears whelled up agian. I hid my sobbing eyes in his shoulder and stayed there for an eternity.

I woke up.

I was still in my own bed. Time was real. The dream never happened. I sighed a breath of relief and closed my eyes again.

Oh Me! Oh My!

Today I went to the doctor (the reasoning of which I am not comfortable discussing to any person) and in the end I had some blood work done.

I am afraid of needles you idiot nurse!

I can't look at a needle or watch it go in or I will freak out, however, once I feel the pinch, I'm fine because it's the puncture that bothers me, not the needle itself.

Finally I managed to calm myself in my hard, plastic, grey chair and concentrate on the the stupid little sign beside me. I felt her cold fingers through her latex gloves and then the little pinch of the needle entering my tissue. Whew. The worst was over. Thirty seconds later and her voice chirped about like a bird's exclaiming that I was all done. I got up seeing a few spots but when about gathering my gloves and jacket.

I left the room and when back to the main waiting room where my mom was getting ready to pay out. I plopped myself into a seat fealing a little woozy and unstable. When I got up to leave my vision swam with blackness, I managed to get out the door and that is where my knees were too weak to hold me up anymore. I sat down right there on the floor. My mom asked me if I was alright or if I needed to go lay down. I started to protest when my vision began to swim again and I opted to go lay down in one of the exam rooms. My mom helped me through the doors of the waiting room again and sat me in a chair to fetch a nurse to help me and to find an empty exam room.

She returned and told me to go with her. I was still feeling resiliant so I stubbornly stood up as quickly as my blood would let me and walked forward, determined to make it through the waiting room without drawing too much attention to myself. My memory was getting fuzzy and I was walking in a haze but I made it through the doors alright. Once through the doors I started to feel myself fall. My mom, who was already on my side, moved to catch me from the front where the nurse helped put my arms over her shoulder. My memory here is very slight and I only remember the smallest details. My boots were making the most unbearable sound as the were drug, toes down, across to short-ply, doctor's-office, horribly patturned carpet. My mom was explaing to the nurses that she was accustomed to dealing with these kind of moments, only she was used to animals due to the fact that she works as a nurse at a veterinary clinic. The next thing I know, everything is black and I feel like I'm sleeping.

You know, the feeling you get when you are barely on the edge of consiousness? Your brain is starting to fuctions one cell at a time but you can still feel that your body is shut down. You feel heavy as a lead weight and fluid. Everything is fuzzy and you can't tell if it's a dream, a memory, or something happening around you.

I heard voices around me and felt hands on my arms but at the same time I didn't. They were there but they weren't there. Just like dreams. The moment you try to catch one, it disappears. I heard a voice that sounded like it was trying to be loud but was too far away to make any difference.

Like a person trying to yell ferociously from a hill away. By the time it reaches you it sounds level pitched.

The voice was saying, "Can you hear me? Can she hear me?"

Thats when the cold burnign sensation started. I felt it in my whole head first, then just my face, and finally just my nose as it faded. Sluggish words came bubbling out of my mouth. None of them were too kind, either.

I heard myself gurgle something about "What the hell did you put in my nose?" and "Fucking hot shit in my face burning!" and "Why the hell are you all yelling at me?"

I felt hands putting towels under me and I started to feel really cold on the backs of my thighs. They laid a wet rag over my chest and forhead and over my arms.

The nurses told me to open my eyes and try to keep them open. Couldn't they see I just wanted to sleep!? I tried to do what they said though. My arms were so hot and my hands were vibrating with numbness. My limbs were heavy and my stomach felt uneasy.

A straw was stuck near my face and I was instructed to 'drink' immediately. I felt the fruitpunch flavored juice enter my mouth, slide over my tongue, down my throught, and settle in my stomach rather cooly.

After the nurses were convienced that I was ok, they left the room one at a time. My mom sat in the corner beside my exam table I had somehow gotten on looking at me with curious eyes. I choked out a "What did ya'll do, stick wet towels under my butt?" Meaning it as a joke. However, she just shook her head and watched as my eyes got big when I realized what had happened. I mouthed to her, unable to say it out loud out of sheer embarassment, "Did I pee on myself?" She nodded sadly and said, "We are only 20 minutes from the house, do you mind waiting here while I go get you a change of pants?"

Well DUH mom! Go get the pants!

I said, "Sure, go ahead, I'll just take a nap. By the way, what happened?"

"While you were out, the nursees took your blood pressure and it was at 89/56. Your blood pressure plummeted after only 3 or 4 minutes of getting your blood drawn. Our best guess is that you are so small that your body reacted to the blood loss violently and rapidly."

I laid there on that table for about an hour waiting for my pants and thinking about everythign that happend. So that is what it feels like to pass out? Interesting.



So, in other words: Today I got my blood drawn for the first time, and due to my small size, my body didn't like it much and I also passed out for the first time in my life. I think it was quite the experience.

No Need To Say Goodbye

It's been so long since I've posted that I'm not sure where to begin.

I'll start simple, with a quote from a text I recieved from my boyfriend:

"I will love you forever; we will be sitting on the edge of a cloud watching the sun rise the day after eternity"

My life is changing right now, and changing fast. Things are whirring around me and all I want is to slow down. Alas, life continues on and one day Ii can only hope I learn how to catch up. Until then, enjoy my little muses! Perhaps I will try to keep up with this again......

Head Space (Meditation)

I recently (as in about an hour ago) discovered the effects of a successful meditation. I'm not talking about religious meditation or anything spooky with floating candles or deep emotional revelations. Satisfactions reveal themselves in simpler and smaller packages. I had to create a method of meditation suited for me based upon what I have read about other meditators and their experiences.
Stripping my comforter to the back of my bed over my pillows was only the first step. I covered everything with my top sheet creating a grey surface for me to connect to. I had my large bed flat with it's grey sheet and a large inviting mass against the footboard covered in the other grey sheet. Grey is my color because of my natural artistic eye, grey naturally calms me. Grey is the most nuetral I can get next to pure white. However, grey is a smoother color, a little more loving to me, a little less hospital sheet-ish. Music poured from my laptop to my headphones to sooth my racing mind. I chose melodies with gentle percussion and complex and playful lyrics. Strictly instrumental would have left me dead. My legs crossed and my back straitened so that I could feel as whole as possible. I focused my attention on the point of symmetry on my headboard. I slowed my breathing and deepened each breath. I let my eyes focus on the point as my mind concentrated on my breathing until I felt I was completely in control of my body.

I closed my eyes slowly and simultaniously with a smooth intake of breath. I kept my concentration on my breathing, trying to create and maintain a rhythm while I shifted my focus from the point on the bed to the weightlessness of my body. Particularly the points at the balls of my shoulders. I felt my body lose pull and shifted my center of gravity upward. I kept my focus on my wheitlessness until I had lost all feeling of attachment to my body completely. I concentrated on my breathing for a while longer and reveled in my moment of floating unimbodied for just a few seconds before turning my attention elsewhere.

I imagined I was in a space. An empty space, void of anything solid. No walls, no furniture, no anything. My body, the sound of the music with no source, and the nothing was all that I had. Colors changed with the movement of the music. Slowly I shifted my empty space into a personal location. I tried and island at first, with short grass and sandy beaches. Water makes me uncomfortable so I extened the land and let the grass grow tall until I had a field made in various shades of dancing yellows, greens, browns, limes, and greys. I felt the warmth of a fire and looked to see a large sun beaming overhead. My element is earth and I have a warm personality so it only makes sense that my closest second element would be fire. Once I had my location created I just lay in it, memorizing it. I memorized the feel of the sun on my skin, the smell of the grass in my face and against the back of my head as I let it mingle with my hair spread out around me on the ground. I soaked in the every detail of each individual blade of grass tall and slinder and graceful as a trained dancer. I remained in my feild until I felt I was 'done'. I could tell because I was slowly becoming more aware of physical things that were not in my imagination. I finally let go of my image and took one deep breath. I opened my eyes as slow as possible in time with the release of my last breath taken in my field.

My vision was slightly blurry and I felt light and then suddenly everything came into a sharp and harsh focus while the full weight of my body made itself known again. I am back in the real world but I feel calmer and cleaner with the memory of my field.

I'm going to visit my field again tomorrow when I wake up. I feel it will be a great way to start my day.

If anyone has any suggestions to help me meditate more successfully then I am open to change. Just please remember that I am aiming to use meditation as a temporary escape into a clearer part of my mind, not a way to get deeper thoughts on the problems I already have. Deeper thoughts is the problem I am trying to escape with this. Perhaps after I get used to meditaion and the calm I feel then I can use it to help me solve problems in a more rational way or to keep me stable every day. I feel like it's a great way to, for lack of a better way to say it, detox my mind.

Classroom Samba

Wake up! It's time for your day to begin and everything is crashing onto your head from the sky. My life is in it's fast forward moment and everything is pushing to be in the front of my attention. I am losing my mind and I don't know how to control everthing I am doing. Yet somehow, in the middle of me not knowing how to control it and worrying about everything falling apart, I find that I have somehow managed to make it through this far at least.

I feel that I am a very mature and very adult teenager with more work than I should have to worry about, yet I am still so young and immature. I am locked in a strange place where nothing fits. I am living a college girl's life in highschool. Though I should only expect as much, I have always been about a year or two ahead of everyone in my generation.

I hate that I am always worrying about everthing I have to do. Right now I really don't have too much going on, but it is the thought of everything that worries me most. I have a habbit of piling everything together into one bundle so that I feel more busy than I really am. As though I am torturing myself with scheduals.

The prospect of the next year frightens me and I keep going over it in my head:

Keeping a job with limited time and lack of sleep while attending duel credit college courses during other classes that are going to be difficult. Trying to get into college by piling every possible thing on top of my already obese schedual so that I might seem more appealing. Head of the Annual Staff and running for Class President for second year. The need to build my portfolio so that when I do find a school to go to, I will have something to show of myself. Trying to keep a healthy relationship with my family while also going against their wishes in where I choose to attend college. Keeping up my title as Miss Throckorton and always looking like I just walked out of a fashion-boutique/salon/spa. Not to mention the addition of UIL and other extra activities. Though, I am smart enough to realize that I do not have enough time to participate in any sports. Not only do I have to keep my grades in tip top shape, but I also have to keep enough hours at my low-in job to pay for my truck and my food and my college courses.

When I look at all of this at once and then add all the little stuff in between, I start to freak out and think that I don't have enough hours in a day to keep everything in line.

I need a planner.

Though I feel pressured, I cannot wait for school to start because for some strange reason, i enjoy the pressure of trying to make sure everything runs smoothly. Being the top student in the school and a senior with high priorities, I have to make everything I do look as effortlessly as slurping jello.

Quick! Catch that Sale!

August 9th, 2009; it has been so long since I left a post online! I feel like I have neglected any readers I might have! Do I see any hands coming up? No? Oh well, that's fine.

Anywho, on with what I am wanting to post.
I have decided to give up on looking a certain way everyday. I have tried so many different times to look like the 'punk girl' or the 'boho girl' or the 'fashionable girl' and I just got so tired of trying to be one of those everyday. So I have come to the conclusion that I will wear whatever mood I am in when I wake up. Whether that be black eyeliner and chains or a ruffled blouse with curls and pink flowers.






























I simply love that last one.


I am one of the unfortunate that live in a far-away little town in the middle of nowhere. I have limited shopping options as well as a fashionably cripple society. How do I keep up my style and sense of adventure? Don't look now! It's smart shopping!
Everyone knows that the smart way to shop is on sales racks and clearance shelves but nobody wants to wear last season's fashion, right? That's what I thought. However, there is a way to take those clothes and make them work for any time of year. Take the sales at the end of summer where everyone is trying to make room for the winter line. A simple tip for your summer sales racks is to look for more nuetral colors or faded tones that compliment the cold of the season and layer peices over one another or even over a splurged winter peice for a nice transitional look. The classic cozy look of a thin-knit long sleeve tee is updated with a neutral button-down and a pair of destroyed fade-wash jeans. add a pair of last year's ugg boots with some cute tall socks and a simple leather belt and some neutral/natural jewlry in woods and natural stones create a classicly updated look that appears laid back without being sloppy.

Another tip that everyone should know is do not be afraid to wear something feirce or last season if you feel that you can make it look good. Clothes are meant to be worn by you, not you worn by them. No matter if you feel it's too modern, too old, last season's, or too cheap; in the end, clothes are clothes and if it looks good then wear it!

I shop in places everywhere from the $5 rack in Target, to my grandmother's closet, to Versace online. There are great peices to be found anywhere, you just have to know how to wear them.